Seeking Greenlights: Yes.
Page Type: SCP Article
Genre: Horror
Page Layout: Official Document with photo
Hook: Shortwave V-2 Broadcast violates FCC guidelines by constantly bleeding into other bandwidths. FCC investigators who try to stop the signal end up dead.
Elevator Pitch: The transmission comes from abandoned buildings containing broken radio equipment and dead bodies. The equipment works independently of electricity.
The first recorded incident involves a dead woman, the one whose voice keeps getting repeated on all the other V-2 broadcasts.
Intense poltergeist-like activity around the equipment.
The NATO code she repeats spells out the location of a dimensional conduit, and how to enter it. No one who has broken the code has survived the voyage.
Central Narrative: Foundation agent and their quest to lock up the radio equipment and signal in a radio-proof underground cavern.
The Pillow
Page type: SCP Article
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Layout: Informational
Elevator Pitch: Crocheted pillow that makes ghostly songs in a Friend's Church of Getty, PA. Simply placing it on a specific pew prompts the eerie music. No one can explain the reason. Some say it's a ghost, but no one can connect it to anyone who has ever attended the church.
The Box
SCP 059040950
Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Level 2
Object Class: Euclid
Elevator Pitch: Package from Amazon keeps getting ordered and never delivered. People die during every step of the delivery process. The most captivating part: Nobody knows what's inside it, the contents are anyone's guess.
Central Narrative: An unopenable, continuously recycled cardboard shipping container. Hundreds of individuals order items from Amazon, and the Fulfillment Center ships this box out by mistake. The label changes by itself, its weight varying between 35 kilograms to 20 pounds. Porch pirates who attempt to steal and open the package die from mysterious causes, and the container is always found in brand new condition, with the flaps perfectly sealed. A series of unlikely Rube Goldberg-esque situations conduct the package all the way back to the Warehouse, sometimes from the other side of the world. Delivery drivers meet with accidents when the container is onboard their vehicle, ranging from a flat tire to rolling off the side of a mountain in a sudden rainstorm. The package never gets delivered, somehow always finding its way back to the Fulfillment Center.
Special Containment Procedures: Create simulation Fulfillment Center with a security door.
Facebook probably won't approve of these
Assignment 318: Everything they do on Beavis and Butt-Head is a great idea you should try at home.
Assignment 319: Whenever you see something that says "Do not try this at home," do it anyway
I have found some of my grandpa's Montgomery Ward receipts from 1950. They don't say what he bought or what specific catalog or exact year it was, just a catalog number.
Is there anyone on the internet who can show me a site with all the catalog numbers, or do I have to buy all the catalogs from 1950 to find out? Surely someone has a catalog and can leave a message here saying that grandpa ordered some socks and a belt, right? Seriously, that's just a guess, I don't know what any of these catalog numbers mean. Any ideas? Or will I never find out what these are?
Catalog numbers:
MA4609,
45AP5603 (costs $2.34),
53A1626 ("Ames let dev ns" for $79? $7.90?),
53AP5325 (quantity 1, "ton ns" for $95? $9.50?),
30A278 (quantity 3, "gy 11" for $115? $1.15?),
45A5583 (quantity 2, "bra loc" $9.95. okay, so this might have been something grandma ordered, but I have no idea about the other items listed above)
I guess I'll never know.
For more than 10 years, the Quick Mask function in Photoshop has caused me endless frustration. When using Photoshop LE in Windows, you push Ctrl Q to exit the program, but if you forget the Ctrl, you end up with a damn Quick Mask, and I never knew how to get rid of the friggin red layer. I'd go into layers, click show Quick Mask and select remove Quick Mask, but it never went away. I saved copy after copy of my files, and rebuilt the files by copying the separate layers into a new file, just to avoid the mask.
I just now discovered the solution: All you do is press Q again, so it puts a marquee around everything, then click anywhere to deselect the mask. When you save the file, the red layer will be gone.
Some games have great music throughout. For the moment, though, I wish to recognize games that have one solid main level theme that stays with you long after you stopped playing. Here are a few nominees for best level:
1. Thunder and Lightning: Awesome musical composition. You know it's a classic when you get disappointed when the music stops at the game over screen. The song doesn't change, but it's still well written.
2. Totally Rad: Honestly, I'd keep the music and throw away the game. I put the song on a CD one time and found myself humming along as I was driving. Super catchy.
3. Air Fortress: It sounds like the theme song to Superman. Really liked it a lot. Of course, it's the only song in the game.
4. Adventures of Lolo: It only has one catchy ditty throughout the entire game, but it's not a bad one. With a puzzle game like this, a song has to withstand numerous plays, and it does.
5. Arkista's Ring: Haunting and excellent. If only the game had other songs.
6. Target Renegade: Nothing like a rock n' roll theme while beating the crap out of bikers.
7. Kiwi Kraze: Catchy and overused, yet still pretty great, bearing the repetition.
8. Bubble Bobble: Although very simple, it doesn't grate on your nerves like some video game themes do. There is at least some progression.
9. Goonies 2: Not wild on mos of the music, like the annoying ice level theme, but the instrumental rendition of Goonies Are Good Enough is spot on. I can't think of the game without remembering that tune.
10. Bayou Billy: Pretty catchy, not the greatest, but not the worst.
11. Bad Dudes (Level 1 only): The music seems really appropriate for a level where you're flying on the backs of semis. Not as obnoxious as some.
12. Vindicators: If I remember this game correctly, the theme song deserves an honorable mention.
The Judas Project was one of the greatest concepts in film history. Unfortunately, it was also executed in the most wooden, unimaginative fashion.
The story of Jesus, set in modern times. It sounds fascinating, and I *did like the fact Jesus met with someone in a bar, but the director decided to "Stick to canon" for ninety percent of the story.
1. The fishermen stayed fishermen, to the point where it didn't make economic sense. They weren't commercial fishermen, they were just yokels with rods and reels, ignoring the fact the disciples had to leave an actual job that was somewhat profitable. I mean, how's this modern twist: Construction workers on a site of a new skyscraper, and Jesus tells them to leave work and follow him, "I'll make you builders of the kingdom of heaven." Or maybe he tells the entire staff of McDonalds "Follow me, and supersize the kingdom of heaven."
2. Judas still gets paid in silver? Nobody gets paid in silver anymore. Or platinum. Why not a briefcase full of cash, or that suitcase from Pulp Fiction with the orange light bulb that nobody sees inside?
3. Okay, so there might be a problem getting church funding if you have Jesus die in an electric chair or from lethal injection or the firing squad, since the method of killing him would appear on buildings everywhere, but if you're going to stick to the crucifixion, why use a rose trellis? I mean, technically governments would be different with this scenario anyway, so why not a police building with a place to crucify criminals out front?
A couple questionable items: According to the original gospels, the dead did come to life during the crucifixion, but nowhere in any of them did we hear about tombstones flying up into heaven.
Also, the holy grail is a Dixie cup.
Again, this movie is an interesting idea. Not sure if people walked out of the theaters en masse because it wasn't close enough to the gospel, or because it stuck to it too much in an alternate history where you could explore topics like how there'd be synagogues everywhere, and what exactly the modern United States would look like pre-Christ.
(Has spoilers)
The "Evil" television show was pretty good about explaining a few things that people consider supernatural in terms of scientific possibility, like the firestarter kid (storage of flammables in her room), stigmata (the disgusting blowfly that burrows under your skin, injuries caused by a wheelbarrow) and so forth. What defies explanation are the characters themselves.
I've seen several things that baffle myself and other viewers:
*For a "Fair and balanced" program about religion, why are they depicting an atheist as a completely amoral hedonist? I know from experience that many atheists try to be good people and there's been a few times they've shamed me with their model behavior.
*Again, for a "fair and balanced" show, an exorcist tells a Muslim exorcist to "stand aside" and succeeds where the other guy couldn't. Not complaining, but I'm constantly trying to understand who the target audience is.
*Amazing how long the show went on without mentioning Kristen's husband at all.
*They took way too long to uncover the murder. Once we found out it wasn't a hallucination, I kept thinking that the police had failed at their jobs. We went through long stretches of story without any mention of the murder taking place. The only thing I can come up with to explain the situation is that Leland has been protecting her the whole time, due to the fertilized egg thing. The cop basically tells Kristen "The guy was a dirtbag, so hide the evidence and I'll give you a free pass on murdering the guy in cold blood." Where is the rest of the police department? Certainly someone else exists in the department who is capable of putting two and two together. It's not that common to see a person bludgeoned to death with a mountain climbing pick. The wound wouldn't conform to the shape of a regular blade. Also, there's untapped potential in Leland somehow uncovering proof of the murder, but he never says a peep about it.
*It stretches credibility for David to get pulled over so often that he has a whole library of cop videos. I suppose it's more possible than other things in the show, but it's a little ridiculous.
*What did Kristen see in that Satanist guy? He just seemed like a weasel. Was it just that he didn't really believe in anything, or that he talked about her anatomy? And how did the IRS agree to close that Satanist church? I thought the whole decision seemed a bit flimsy. Maybe the Mormons said something? There's a bunch of those types of "churches" of Satan that actually exist, and probably get tax exempt, and nobody says anything. It would have been better if they had to evaluate a group that was "way out there" and you could see how a real cult maybe got evaluated.
*Also, wow, they know about the Church of the Subgenius?
*That's a good Psychologist Kristen has. Even in couple's counseling he keeps the murder a secret, especially in regards to her violent outburst at the supermarket. You'd think he'd at least bring it up with Kristen again. Of course, I guess it makes sense that he would do something else illogical, like using Satanic rituals to write a book.
*There's several cursed objects that make a brief appearance in the show, and nobody ever talks about again, like the diaries Leland gives the girls, the cursed tea set, the virtual reality game, etc.
*Where did Sheryl's money idol thing come from? Why did she ever think that was a good idea? Who gave her the idea?
*Can someone explain Ben's girlfriend? Did she suddenly self replicate into twins?
*What's with the succubus? Is she some representation of Ben's girlfriend? They seem to share a lot of similarities.
*Is Leland really possessed, or not? Why did he get the shakes? Was it from one of his IV's full of peanut butter? Why did he make real signs of possession, then stop after he bathed in blood?
*How did trading blood with people become peanut butter injections?
*What happened to the woman Leland had tied up in the closet?
*It's amazing that Kristen can afford all that stuff she has when she's being paid by some Catholic priest/church/organization. I know Catholic churches look fancy, but there's a lot of money going out, and a lot of them have budget problems. I've been to a few church budget meetings where they had to cut this or that program because they aren't doing that well. I guess we're just supposed to assume that the Vatican thinks it's a good idea to pay a skeptic investigator an architect's salary.
*For a woman who has to use a fertility clinic, she sure has a lot of kids, and it seems like she only had to use the company for one child? On the other hand, she has a lot of unprotected sex for a woman who's fertile, and completely rational. Doesn't she have enough kids?
*Okay, so the evil fertility clinic was responsible for Kristen's middle child, but does she really have a long ropey dinosaur tail? Or is that imaginary? If real, why has Kristen never noticed it? Did it just pop out of her during puberty? Also, does the child actually have fangs?
*What was the deal with Kristin's husband meeting all those demons inside the unfinished wing of the house? They just left you hanging. Are they supposed to represent all those people at the baby shower?
*What the hell was the goat man supposed to be? Was Leland and Kristin's mother hallucinating?
*Did Leland really cut off a human being's head and stick him in a pot, to serve to Sheryl for dinner?
*What's in those glass jars? Peanut butter? Brain matter?
*Did Sheryl really drill a hole in someone's head to get the peanut butter, or is that a hallucination?
*How did Sheryl go from being scared out of her wits and bound and gagged while getting another guy's blood pumped into her from an IV to dancing down a hallway without a care in the world? Is she just "feeling" the old guy's blood?
*Why did Kristin choose to live under a train track?
*Making out with the guy while he's wearing priest robes? He has no decency. He didn't even say "Wait a minute, let me change" or anything.
*Who paid off the UFO witnesses and why?
*Why did the UFO smell like cotton candy? Were they Killer Klowns?
*Why does Sheryl keep getting involved with Leland when she hates him?
*What did Sheryl see in Leland in the first place? The guy is a creepy sociopath, and she somehow couldn't get enough of the guy. He didn't even try that hard to hide how evil he was. The only explanation would be that she'd been influenced by the powers of darkness.
*Kristen's kids are like mindless drones. They fall for any evil scheme and blindly accept anything that normal people would find sketchy and suspicious. Well, when they have a personality at all.
*Nobody besides that one cop and maybe the daughter said a peep about the murder. You'd think Kristen's close friends or husband would suspect something. Oh, wait. The husband waited a super long time to even ask if Kristen had slept with David.
*How long was Kristen's husband trapped in Leland's prison room being pumped full of drugs? Was he always there? Were those videos always fake? Did he never go to the mountains at all?
*Was that seance with Ben's girlfriend fake or real?
*How come that non-Amazon Amazon company doesn't show up again in the story?
*What happened to that demonic virtual reality game?
*What's the Vatican's connection to the evil fertility clinic?
*The show answers what happened to Kristen's last egg, but I'm not sure what happened to the lady that bought her eggs. Was she killed or kidnapped? Why does nobody wonder where the woman went? They just see Sheryl at Leland's place and believe the woman's not there, and that's that.
*Is Goat Man still coming after Kristen in the cornfield?
*What's up with that sigil map and why do they only care about it part of the time? What's the purpose of that thing anyway? Why doesn't Leland care about it anymore?
*Is the Ifrit/cigarette head man really real or just a hallucination? Why does Leland see it? Was that really a result of the exorcism?
*Are all those demonic things real, or just hallucinations? Specifically, the ones in the new wing of the house?
*Bishop Thomas seems unusually gullible, believing Leland is possessed and setting him with David as a spiritual adviser. He doesn't even question it.
*Why does Kristen scar herself with a Rosary every night? I don't think they ever explain. And boy do those self inflicted cross scars heal up quickly.
*When Kristen comes in the evil fertility clinic the first time, a clerk volunteers information and calls the place "horrible," but the second time the clerk is gone and Kristen has to get a court order. Did the disgruntled employee get fired?
*Kristen is deeply affected by the exorcism, says every line the priest told Leland to say to cast out his demon, it looks like she's converted to Christianity, but in the next scene she's talking to David about the placebo effect and doing a Buddhist ritual with her husband. Okay, so this is more plausible than the other weird stuff, but it's still weird.
*"The Elevator Game". Where IS this building? How can the sub basement be that immense and not have some alternate route outside?
*Kristen: Are you going to tell me that I need Jesus?
David: No...
David, what kind of Christian are you? You didn't even predicate it with "I would, but I already know what you'd say about that..."
*A lot of times, sermons on fictional TV shows are weird. I expect that from TV. I think the thing that bothered me the most was how David's superiors criticized his sermons. If they'd mentioned how David never talked about Jesus once, they'd have a valid argument. But instead they complain about him speaking on the subject of race, and don't bring up the topic of Jesus at all. Regardless of your opinion of David's sermons, it would have been nice to at least mention the topic, to keep it balanced.
*Why did Kristen have a vision of a frog monster coming out of her belly?
She stared at the creature, hoping and praying that it would disappear below the water again, but it didn't go away. Instead, its mouth opened wider, and it inhaled, sucking them into its cavernous mouth.
Darkness descended upon them as they sailed inside, and despite all their desperate magic and frantic paddling, they saw a set of immense teeth clamp down, extinguishing all the remaining light. Peapod and Freak, having exhausted their magical resources, could only produce a feeble light to illuminate their surroundings and the visual turned out to be unhelpful, just a dark wall of red flesh that changed in appearance as they sailed deeper into the interior.
Dusk had fallen. Grass on the curb along the sidewalk danced in a light breeze. Behind a fence, a chunky African American noisily scrubbed his barbecue grill.
A squinting Shibu Inu slowly trudged behind its owner, an unsmiling old maid with artificially colored blonde hair cut in Doris Day style. The wind blew through the woman's little red jacket, fluffing her starchy tan slacks.
"We make quite a couple, don't we, Bear?" she muttered to the dog. "You go ninety percent blind with your glaucoma, me with my arthritis..."
The dog suddenly stopped, growling in the direction of the curb. The woman stared in that direction, but could see no cause for the disturbance. Nobody stood around the houses in that direction, nobody coming down the adjacent blocks. She didn't even see a car. And the barbecue guy stood *behind her.
She shook her head, tugging the mutt forward.
The dog wouldn't budge, now baring its teeth and snarling...at air. It barked.
"Oh you silly thing! You can barely see anything, what are you getting all worked up about?"
The man with the barbecue grill let out a horrified scream, and suddenly vanished.
Moments later, so did the woman.
The dog remained, snarling and barking at air.
(I stopped here because my ghostbusters concept was to `spin off' into a Kansas City franchise with a couple recognizable characters. I tried this once before at Fanfiction.net, but people didn't seem to like it).
(Spoilers). I had questions about this Ghostbusters film. Probably everyone else had the same thoughts:
*I could have sworn I heard Bill Murray say "We're closed" in the previews, but they never used the scene.
*You could do a drinking game with the phrase "Dirt farmer."
*It would have been nice to see a different villain besides Zool.
*What, no Slimer?
*If you're going to ignore the PKE meter, why even have it in the plot?
*I wish this film featured Luis Tulley. Why wasn't he in it? I always liked Jeanine. It would have been an interesting plotline.
*Funny to list Sigorney Weaver in the credits when she only appears for a minute. But I *did like the bit with the cards. I suppose Venkman deserved it.
*How do Phoebe and Podcast know how to use all the switches on the Proton pack and not blow themselves up?
*For a dirt farm, there sure is a lot of crop to joyride through.
*If the firehouse got turned into a Starbucks, why does it look abandoned and dusty at the end of the film? Was that just a story? Also, if it were* bought out, why didn't a barista go downstairs at some point, push a button, thinking it's a trash compactor or a coffee machine, and let all the ghosts out?
*They didn't really explain why Ivo Shandor looked so healthy in that glass case. I guess you might argue something about Lenin.
*Why didn't Egon's ghost show them the fault in the giant capacitors?
*Being a gatekeeper has its perks. You get to keep the magical wardrobe.
*If Ivo Shandor's name is on everything in town, why isn't the school more centered around him, showing more of his history or something? Like Ivo Shandor day?
*Phoebe can pick the lock, and is a genius, but cannot pick a police contraband locker.
*I really didn't get a sense of time. Was this summer? Where was the principal?
*Interesting "summer school?" You get to watch Cujo and Chuckie? Really? I'm wondering why the kids looked so bored. Did they watch those movies last year?
*This is the first major motion picture where my car gets important screen time. Now I'm thinking about driving my Corolla with no windshield and how unpleasant that would be.
*Finn Wolfhard doesn't have much charisma. I expected more from a character that's supposed to replace one of the originals.
*Phoebe really steals the picture. I couldn't tell who she was related to. Kinda wished there was a Bill Murray type of child. Not enough sarcasm.
*Didn't get a sense of any of the characters, really.
*I always pictured Egon being an Atheist. What's with all that bible stuff outside the ranch? Guess it kept you guessing about his identity, but it's out of character, and we already know nobody else is that clever with scientific stuff.
*What was Phoebe doing with that wall outlet? Was she stealing electricity?
*At the burger joint, which is the boyfriend that owned the jacket? We never find out.
*You have a Proton Pack. Why do you never bring along the PKE meter? You would have avoided a lot of close calls.
*Did Podcast know how to use the trapdoor in the Ecto 2? Or the remote control?
*I think the Proton Pack should have thrown Phoebe across the field. Also, she has considerable muscular strength to carry that thing around.
*She was lucky not to have the building collapse on her head when going after The Muncher.
*Phoebe's banter with Mr. Grooberson was great.
*Turning an entire property into a ghost trap? What's to stop it from sucking the soul from your body, or trapping Egon's soul?
*What happened to all the cops in the police station?
*I appreciated the mold collection and the Twinkie.
*Baskin Robbins product placement - boo.
*Effective job bringing Harold to life. Good move to make him not talk like they did in Rogue One. Let the dead rest, man.
*I knew someone was going to call the number for the Ghostbusters sometime, she has no other special phone number, and yet they felt the need to repeat the fake commercial, I guess for people who never watched Ghostbusters 1?
*Surprisingly low key reaction to seeing the Ecto 2, considering their recent studies on the subject.
*In life, Egon did everything he could to stop the apocalypse. After death, he tells his granddaughter how to find an ecto trap, without warning her that opening it would doom humanity. Mind you, I'm talking about supernatural warnings, and not talking. You know, like throwing her across the parking lot, shorting out the trap's release mechanism. That kind of thing.
*Someone should have come after Mr. Grooberson about the buses. Of course, it explains the horror videos.
*Also, if Pheobe's classmates are "stupid" and he plays those movies for them, what does that say about horror fans? Or maybe the fact that it bores them is a sign of their stupidity? I don't know.
*The "Giant dog" actually eating dog food? It ate people in the first film.
*Why does the demon dog need to possess a person to become itself again?
*Zool's costume seems better this time around. The first film...It looked like a guy who had just stepped out of a bubble bath.
*Why does Mr. Stay Puft act so suicidal? They seem to enjoy being toasted.
*Where did the other Ghostbusters get all the proton packs if Egon took all of them to his dirt farm? Surely they can't build the things themselves...right?
*I wish they made more use of the Death Whistle.
*The gatekeeper and keymaster didn't have memorable dialog between each other, but I think a lot of parents will be using "There is no mom, only Zool" from now on.
*Winston has aged the best of all the Ghostbusters. They basically proved that their chemistry cannot be replaced. Great lines.
*Clever, jumping through the smashed windshield. But not the best plan if you don't immediately pop out the door, or hit the gas pedal.
Although the graphics are nice looking, it's still a boring beat-em-up that doesn't seem to go anywhere. Endlessly rehashed scenery, repetitive fights with the same looking characters. Every time you walk a couple steps, the same enemies come out and attack you. You end up feeling like Stallone, fingers weakened by all the abuse, and about to let go and fall off a precipice. You're better off throwing throwing this game from the side of a mountain and climbing to safety.
The Nintendo Power strategy book for Legend of Zelda is okay for completing the first quest. It doesn't tell you exactly how to get the heart pieces or magic sword, but you don't need it. It didn't tell me I had to burn the bush along the row of trees to find Dungeon 8. The map is a little misleading. It makes it look like the tree is alone in the middle of the woods.
You need to buy meat at E-5 for one of the dungeons, but they don't tell you that. A moblin will block your path and go "Grumble grumble" until you give him the meat from one of the shops.
They also don't tell you that you need a red power bracelet to move rocks, they just tell you "move the rocks". I wasted a lot of time on that one.
The guide tells you you have to defeat all the enemies around a specific stairwell to go in, but it's not just that one. Every secret area in a dungeon requires you to destroy all enemies in that room before the secret passage will open up.
It says you can defeat the bunnies with the flute, but I've never been able to make it work.
If you stop time while Digdogger is big, you can never defeat him. You have to play the flute first. So cheating there doesn't help.
I don't know why they say you can defeat Pols with a flute. It doesn't do anything.
Gannon is the only thing your stop time Gameshark cheat cannot protect you from. Watch your health, keep hitting the dark area with the sword until he becomes visible and shoot him with silver arrows.
Second quest:
Here is where the strategy guide breaks down. I guess they didn't expect you to get that far or something, so they slopped through it.
First of all, the yellow circle on the map that says "push tombstones" is pretty much the same color as "blow the whistle." Gold. That means I spent about twenty minutes trying to push open a grave to get to Dungeon 6. A lot of other websites don't explain what you have to do, they even suggested you needed twelve hearts and a power bracelet to move the grave. Nope, you need a friggin' flute.
The hungry Moblin in Dungeon 3 came as a surprise, but I was able to find a shop with meat a short distance away.
The instructions about pushing blocks for Room 7 is a little confusing. You don't have to defeat the grabbing hands to open the secret passage, though it might help you save hearts. Try pushing all the blocks on that vertical column.
When the guide says you can pick up a key with a boomerang, it's a damn lie. I tried it.
"Don't go downstairs link" item 20 on Dungeon 7: I pushed a block to open a staircase, and on the other side, I became trapped in a room with those tumbleweed skull things. The doors would not open. The only way out was back the way I came. I think the tumbleweed things are invincible. I have no clue how to get past that area.
Dungeon 7-23: I thought the stopping time cheat prevented the door from opening, but really you just have to push a block after killing Manhandla.
Dungeon 8: The green "use candles" icon looks just like the aqua blue "use bombs" icon. The guide says some of the blocks you can push at this or that angle, but in actuality, I ended up pushing one sideways into another block.
When it comes to Wallmaster rooms, stopping time can screw you up, because you have to defeat all of them to push the blocks to access the next room. Make sure they're visible before stopping the clock.
If time is stopped, no flute usage will make the eye vulnerable on the boss.
In Dungeon 9, there's a room with a T shaped platform in the middle of the lava. The map is wrong. There's no left door.
My apartment is drafty. I didn't know how damn drafty until Covid hit and they forced everyone to work from home. As I sat at my cheap desk day after day, cold air would breeze under the door. For a long time, I wondered if my circulation had gone bad, but then I wrapped a blanket around my feet and found that the blanket had become ice cold after awhile. Horrible apartment.
Now, my job gave me Amazon giftcards as a sort of bonus. One of my first real job related purchases involved ordering various types of socks and seeing how well they insulated my feet from the cold. I have yet to find one that truly keeps my feet warm. An electric heating pad actually served me best over these long cold days.
At any rate, I tried a lot of socks, and here's my review of each type I tried:
*Walmart Brand, Cable knit, woolen, unsure exactly which company made them: A friend gave me a few packages of these. They are by far the worst. The cold air blows right through the little holes. Not scratchy, but not warm. Actually works best as a summer sock.
*Busy Socks-Thermal Socks: Average. The toes have nylon or something on them. I found my toes getting cold quickly. The rest of my feet felt warm.
*DG Hill Thermal Insulated Socks: Started out pretty warm, but then when your feet sweat, you start losing heat. Layering it over a regular sock didn't help.
*Hymore Thermal Socks: Traps heat pretty good, but makes your feet sweat *a lot, compromising the heat.
*Cordura Fiber Socks: They brag about them being heavy duty, but the socks are thin. I wore them on a hike up to the supermarket. They seem to create heat by a friction, and being inside a shoe. If you're sitting in one place for extended periods, however, the cold goes right through.
I confess my fondest memory of the Nintendo Entertainment System was not, like many other people, The Legend of Zelda. It was a video game with a title I couldn't pronounce until the librarian called my house to inform me it was overdue. "Sheh-her-ezad." It was addictive, it used passwords instead of the memory, which was great because I didn't actually own it.
I didn't think about how Muslim it was until much, much later. It doesn't stop it from being a fun game. Don't believe it's Islamic? Here's a few relevant points:
1: "MOSCOM": I've never seen Aladdin go to a mosque. This isn't just an Arabian knights homage. Every time you return from the dead, want to heal, or get a password, you crawl, on your knees, up the staircase of a mosque. There's an actual spell that you cast that makes a mosque appear anywhere: MOSCOM.
2. Star and Crescent Motif: Look around. Lots of star symbols, moon symbols, crescent symbols. The Star of David, in contrast, is a symbol for magic, and a Magician in this game is not the same thing as a Saint.
3. Arabian names, such as Hassan.
4. Turbans. Enough said.
5. Mashroob (not to be confused with mushroom): The Arabic word for "drink". I looked it up: Apparently in the Islamic heaven, everyone drinks some sort of ginger smoothie. I personally think ginger root tastes gross, but whatever. The point is that it serves the same purpose as manna in other video games. Although not specifically stated that it is, in fact, ginger mashroob, it probably is.
6. Harem girls: You're rescuing a group of women who wear face coverings and head coverings, in a world where women wear face coverings and head coverings. Not only that, there's a character that thinks very poorly of you if you pick up a girl at a hamburger stand. It seems that a noble prince of Arabia isn't supposed to date women who have jobs and maybe don't cover their head and face. Or maybe it's because a noble Muslim woman wouldn't be caught making cheeseburgers because it's against Qur'an? Okay, I'm reaching, but I still don't understand why the character has such a beef against burger joints. If the prince is a generous tipper and the Red Robin waitress likes him, so what?
And you wonder why I was such a confused, mixed up kid.
Assignment 362: When you see a cop pulling someone over, unbuckle your seatbelt, send a bunch of texts on your phone and swerve between lanes.
Assignment 359: Name your first child "Colon".
Assignment 360: Start up a metal or country band called the "Splendidly Caparisoned Steeds". Hit the bar circuit just to watch drunks pronounce it.
Assignment 361: Fill a bunch of baby pumpkins with colored talcum powder and flour soaked in food coloring and hire an army of people to lay siege to the walls of Disneyland. If anyone asks you to explain, show them a picture of your weiner.
Assignment 358: Things to do at Lucasfilm Ranch: Tear apart all the wood paneling in search of a hidden cassette tape.
Sneak into the building by standing by the mailbox and having someone else ring the doorbell.
Check for a hidden front door key under the welcome mat.
Locate the microwave and put a hamster inside.
Call George Lucas a tuna head.
Try to crawl under the front porch and play with the pool faucet.
Pester the staff with questions about a hidden nuclear reactor.
Shatter the windows with ultrasonic frequencies.
Try to distract security by hiring people to distract them or engaging them with protracted debates over the phone.
Try to impress George Lucas with tinny recordings of the Loom video game.
Assignment 352: Urine is completely sterile. You can drink it. Try some.
Assignment 353: Whenever you see a basketball hoop, slam a basketball through it as hard as you can, no matter if it's the one with the expensive glass backboard at the YMCA or a kid's tiny plastic thing that can barely withstand the force of an excited three year old, let alone a full grown adult, with the gracefulness of a bull elephant.
Assignment 354: Put thousands of dollars into a complicated safety mechanism and comfortable state of the art cabin for a prototype time machine based on questionable scientific frameworks and theories found in science fiction novels.
Assignment 355: Give your child a script to read to debt collectors. Make the child act like you, making them say adult things about the better business bureau and suing for harassment. Remember, you're not just skipping a debt because you don't feel like paying it, you're teaching teaching future generations to skip a debt because they don't want to pay it.
Assignment 356: On a day when the power goes out , sit in front of your computer and try to hammer out a 100,000 word novel on a black screen, then act upset when the printer refuses to cooperate. When the power comes back on, also act upset that none of your work saved. Call tech support and Microsoft to complain about the situation.
Assignment 357: If some old babysitter of yours keeps reminding you that they "remember you when you were in diapers" shut them up by putting on some depends and an adult baby costume and parading in front of them at some inopportune moment. Casually remark that you "remember what they were talking about now."
Assignment 380: Whenever you see a pair of people of any sex hanging out together a lot, insist on describing the two as "an item."
Assignment 381: Expect more from movie and TV stars. If they play a doctor on TV, come to them with the flu, Val Kilmer before the fire department. After a burglary, call the cast of CSI, and inform Bill Murray about your haunted house.
Assignment 382: Blow a vuvuzala during a symphony performance.
Assignment 375: Give your baby the noble name of "Pulled pork".
Assignment 367: From now on, always refer to genitalia as your "f***ing apparatus."
Assignment 368: Make every effort to put your face on the cover of Auto Trader. Joe Dirt can do it, why can't you?
Assignment 369: Create a motorcycle for toddlers that has a highway speed of 80 MPH.
Assignment 370: Open a restaurant called "pampers" and serve the hamburgers and fries wrapped in diapers. After all, that overpowering floral scent will make everyone hungry. Bonus if the diapers are used.
Assignment 371: While giving a sermon at church, pantomime a play by play of the football game going on at the same time, but never verbalize it. Keep going with the Sermon on the Mount, pretending your nonverbal tics are not spelling out Pittsburgh 2 Green Bay 4. If necessary, use a radio earpiece.
Assignment 364: Eliminate the phrase "you too" from your vocabulary. Replace with "YouTube."
Assignment 365: Make a collections company that only calls people on their birthdays.
Assignment 366: Send random strangers handmade "billing statements" written in crayola crayons and multicolored pencils. Call it "the happy card" and make all the math, business transactions and account numbers seem genuine.
Assignment 367: Build a giant castle out of Fern Gulley and Avatar videos, DVDs and soundtracks.
*You aren't supposed to follow Princess Ruto when she swims up up and away from you once you know how to play the flute by the Triforce symbol. That's it.
*Lighting those torches by the waterfall in Zora's ice cavern doesn't do anything.
*You can cut past Zelda when the castle is collapsing, but you still have to kill two skeletons and a zombie really fast.
*The zombie is near the exit. You can't use the sun song to stun it.
*You can't buy the shield in Dodongo's cave or buy the kid's blue and red vests once you have the adult versions. Maybe not even before then.
*A video walkthrough of the game is sometimes better than a strategy guide, especially at a boss fight.
*Enemies allow a fair amount of time for aiming arrows.
*Bongo Bongo: You cannot shoot his fist, only his open hands. Nothing can stop the fist.
*Octopus can only be hurt from the rear. Stun from the front.
*Princess Ruto can teleport. She can't be lost forever or killed inside that big organic maze thing.
**Seeking Greenlights** Yes
**Page Type** SCP Article
**Elevator Pitch**
Several doors in the Foundation cannot be unlocked. Everyone searches for the Master Key to open them, but always end up grabbing the key to the 3 North Restroom 413 Broom Closet by mistake. It's said to "Jump into their hand."
**Central Narrative**
*Agents have been terminated for misplacing keys to special equipment lockers, vaults and storage rooms. When given the `Replacement Key', these agents often receive the Foundation Master Key, but it invariably ends up being replaced with the Broom Closet Key.
*Bad things keep happening due to unopenable doors. People die, prisoners starve, nonlethal and lethal weaponry cannot be accessed. Agents have to work around the problem.
*Maintenance workers cannot unlock the broom closet due to the irregular shape of the found Master Key. Complicated rituals allow them to use the key elsewhere, with disastrous results.
*An agent obsessively records the search for the missing key and ends up demoted then fired in the process.
**Hook/Attention Grabber**
An easily contained harmless object keeps getting swapped with an object that can't be contained. Instead of granting superpowers, it's a major handicap.
I translated the German walkthrough into English with Google Translate, but it didn't help very much. I figured out most of the stuff by trial and error, after I tried to do what the walkthrough said. The interface is not very intuitive, so I think this walkthrough will do a better job helping you complete the game.
1. The opening is somewhat easy to figure out. You "use" brute force on the bucket in the dark screen to remove the bucket, then grab the book of 101 pranks. Leave the screen, and you go home and clean up.
2. This is the first place I got stuck at. You can't do very much at all except open the backpack, take out the items, and place them all on the desk. You'll hear a ringing phone then, so "use brute force" on the desk to open the drawer and "look" to pull out a cel phone. This leads you to your next cinematic.
3. Now you can read the book of pranks. It's important to read this, not only to figure out the pranks, but also to access areas on the map. Your first prank: Disgusting pizza. Most of the doors are locked, but you can talk to Hoagie. Hoagie doesn't do anything but stare through a hole into the girl's room.
4. Another counterintuitive item: Clicking on the bottom of the screen in the school hallway makes Klaus go further down the hallway. You'll see Wendy and Emilia here. Talk to them both, read the poster, and then talk to them again. Emilia is okay with dating you, but you have to get Wendy away from the bulletin board. Go further down the hallway.
5. Here's the staff room. Use brute force to open the staff room door. The next room has nothing but a key and a camera. The key's on the bulletin board. You open a cabinet and look in a box to find the camera. You never get to open the door.
6. The room next door has the principal. Talk to him until you get a work order.
7. Go back out to the main hallway, take the stairs up. You can never go into the basement or attic. On the second floor, you meet Michael, who doesn't want to talk to you right now. Go up the hallway, and you see classrooms. Click the bottom of the screen, and there's Dave and Sandy. Talk to Dave about his presidency. Go right past the trophy case, and you come to the nurse's station and Dr. Tears. Have a chat with Dr. Tears, and you get a locker combination.
8. Go back downstairs, open the third locker just by choosing "open" on it. Nothing of use here except the whiteout. You don't get to use the yarn.
9. Use the whiteout on the work order. Take it upstairs to the nurse's station. Nurse Edna gets super excited and leaves the room, allowing you to open the medicine cabinet and take Viagra. The desk doesn't open. Go back out, talk to Laverne about the saw.
10. Go downstairs to the principal's office. He jumps out the window. Take his book and work order, open the top drawer in the dresser and you get a key.
11. Go back upstairs to where Dave is. Open the trophy case with the key, take the ball bat. You can also try taking the Oscar for laughs.
12. Leave the school, go to S-Mart. You can't go upstairs or ring those doorbells.
13. Look at the phone, stand next to the shelves and "use phone". Again, counterintuitive. Dial the number from the lady's phone, and grab the boots. That's all you can steal from her. You can watch TV to see Indiana Jones and the Last Jihad.
14. Go outside and left one screen. Talk to Ahmed, call him friend or something so he tries to get the pizza, then use brute force on him to get three dollars. He disappears.
15. Talk to Jeff, saying you're picking up Ahmed's pizza. Also ask about advertising for him. He says he wants pills. You have to "pick up" the pill bottle he gives you and then "use" it on the Viagra.
16. Give Jeff the Viagra. You get coupons.
17. Give the coupons to Dave at school. You'll get a rake.
18. Talk to Michael about photographing something unsightly. He says something about censorship, and you can tell him "here's your camera". He will tell you that Hoagie has pictures of his butt as a business card. That's all you can get out of him.
19. Go to Hoagie and ask about the band and an autograph. You get a butt picture.
20. Put the butt picture on the bulletin board so Wendy and Emilia dissapear.
21. On the first floor, Syd is looking for drumsticks. Don't waste your time trying to find them or attempt beating him up. Just close his locker and he'll run off to Nurse Edna.
22. Talk to Laverne and you get a saw. The scene in the nurse's room is amusing.
23. Go outside the school and to the right. Use the pizza in the garbage dumpster.
24. Use the ink pen on the work order. Stick it under the door marked with a T on the first floor, then go into the cafeteria and talk to the guy behind the spit guard about his popcorn wagon. He disappears after the explosion.
25. Switch the dirty pizza with the pizza on the table. Well, so much for that prank.
26. Don't bother with the red herring, it's a red herring.
27. On the second floor, enter the hallway and use the bulletin board key on the door on the bottom left. You'll see a mouse.
28. This isn't easy to figure out. You want to wait until the mouse is looking in the direction you want it to go, then "look at desk" immediately. The mouse will run in the direction it's facing. Keep doing this from desk to desk until it runs into the mouse hole, and don't worry, it freezes in place while you're marching up to look for it. Just make sure you aren't selecting "go to" at the time. At the mouse hole, you "look" and receive the window handle.
29. Use the window handle to open the window, then go back to S-Mart.
30. Buy balloons by "pick up balloons". They cost exactly $3, convenient since you took that from Ahmed.
31. Read the prank book, then go to Hoagie's bathroom. "Use" the tap, not the sink itself, then use the balloons with the tap. They'll go into the bucket.
32. Go out the newly opened classroom window. "Use bucket" on the ground you're standing on, not "below". The plants are useless, by the way.
33. Look below and you'll see Bernard.
34. "Use bucket" and watch the cinematic.
35. Another failed prank. Grab the bucket and go right to return home.
36. Go to Bernard's house and watch the cinematic.
37. Read the prank book again. Open your cel phone, but the battery in the boot, and drop it in the lake.
38. Hit the tree with the ball bat to get sticks.
39. Talk with Clouseau.
40. Pick up the shovel. When Clouseau catches you, tell him you stole a rake.
41. Go right to the police picnic. Talk with them.
42. Go right, talk with the guy, beat him up. You'll get a sign. Climb the mountain so you can see the beehive.
43. Return to the house Cluseau is standing next to. Use the sign with the shovel. Look in the trash and you'll get a string.
44. Use the string on the contraption you made, use it on the rock next to the house.
45. Test your catapault with the bucket.
46. Go right and tell the police Clouseau is a flasher. Steal their picnic. Go left and the cops carry him away.
47. Talk with the ranger in the house about his fake window and the bees. Give him the saw. You'll get a bug stunning spray.
48. Climb the mountain, spray the bugs, get them down with the ball bat or something.
49. Use the beehive on the catapault.
50. Another misfiring prank. Read the prank book.
51. Go left until you see Bernard sleeping next to a tree. Set the basket next to him.
52. Go back to the policemen. Talk to them, maybe go back to Bernard and see the cinematic. Foiled again!
53. Go to the screen where you beat up the guy and got the sign. Read the prank book, dig a hole, then go to the lake.
54. Fill the bucket with water, take it to the hole you made.
55. Drop in your electrified eels, cover it with sticks, then "pick up" the grass and lay it on top.
56. Set the book from the principal's desk on the trap. Use the shovel to get rid of the dirt.
57. Bernard ignores the trap. This is another thing that had me scratching my head. Klaus mentions getting "better nerd bait", but you actually can't find any anywhere in the game. All you really have to do is grab the textbook and fall into your own trap like a dumbass.
58. Getting fed up now. March up the hill, use ball bat on cave opening, and watch the ending.
I saw a few "Easter eggs" posted by someone else at the site:
Boys toilet: open and close the right cubicle quite often.
Girls' toilet: enter as often as possible.
After Emilia has eaten the gross pizza, go back to the cafeteria.
S-Mart: Take and use chainsaw several times.
S-Mart: try out all the phone numbers on your mobile phone that can be found in the original MM poster.
Nature reserve: use the showcase key with the moon or death star
Debates about Kian in Dreamfall Chapters are very heated. I'm not going to retread old ground, except to say that if you're going to have a game where you can make choices to affect relationships with different characters, why not choose his sexual preference too?
I thought maybe kissing Anna would allow a different option, but no, he's definitely gay. I wasn't fond of Anna, and thought she couldn't be trusted because she's a magical, but a Google search explained this doesn't change anything.
Magicals are like elves. They can be thousands of years old and look like kids. That makes the relationships in this game a little confusing.
I'm saying this because I thought Kian had a definite chance with the youthful Enu. She DID seem smitten with him.
By the same token, I didn't understand the scene where he had to choose whether or not to torture the Azadi. I couldn't tell for sure if the magical was a kid or thousands of years old until Kian's friends chastised him for going easy on the guy. I wondered if the 100 year old nymph (I assumed, anyway) actually liked the Azadi soldier. You don't get that much information on their relationship, other than what others say about it, which makes it morally ambiguous. You surprise them in the act, so of course it looks bad.
This reminds me of another morally ambiguous choice in the Rockstar Games Batman game. With everything in silhouette, you were given several different options that didn't look great, all of them looking like you'd kill the guy. I saw a picture of a chair with something sticking out of it, then stared in shock as Batman slams the guy down on a rusty piece of rebar. How was I supposed to know that's what he was going to do?
Also, while on the topic of choice and interactivity, the tower at the end of the game has all these computers all over the place, on every scaffold, but you never can do anything with them. It seems like a waste of rendering, programming and memory space not to have some kind of interactivity with them. All kinds of characters show up on the platforms around the computers. Certainly someone could stand at one and call to the other guy to input the virus, or you could have a timer in which you have to type in the numbers real fast. Maybe all of this had to do with deadlines.
(Incomplete short story)
No one can explain why episodes of the Ratatat television show change every time you watch them, or how two people can watch the same exact episode and come away with a completely different story.
Take Episode 1: `Dead in the Water' for example. When I watched it for the first time on the Afoot Network, Detective Ratatat proved that the victim had been drowned in a bathtub and later deposited into the mansion swimming pool to make it look like an accident.
Yesterday, when I watched `Dead in the Water', the criminal added an extra step to his scheme: Pumping swimming pool water into the dead victim's lungs, to hide traces of soap, and add chlorine. This time Ratatat caught the killer with the evidence of unusual bruising. My buddy online said their `Dead in the Water' involved the killer injecting Mr. Cruz's system with sedatives to make the drowning easier.
(This section of text is missing, probably accidentally thrown away. The narrator is the son of the show's producer, and he's just been to a reading of the Will).
"I don't understand this," my wife said as I unlocked the door to the mansion. "How are you getting an inheritance if your dad keeps making these shows on his app?"
I could only shrug. "He's been missing for over five years. No communications. The police abandoned the search."
Sharon massaged the head of the stone owl on the railing. "Yeah, but the program..."
"They look like they were all made in 1972. You ever seen pictures of Johnny Carson's film archive? Some guy in South Africa probably has a vault full of old film reels he splices together in different ways to make it look new...You saw Rebel One, right? They animated two dead people in that movie."
"Yeah, but they didn't look right. You could tell it was CGI."
"Technology keeps improving."
I pushed the giant ornately carved doors inward, staring at a foyer with a marble staircase.
Sharon flipped a light switch, and the chandelier came on...for a second before popping out. She wiped her grimy hands on her jeans. "Guess the maid quit."
I clicked the flashlight icon on my phone so we could see.
The taxidermy owl that served as the centerpiece on the foyer table appeared to be molting.
A dog toy squeaked under Sharon's heel. "You never told me what happened to the dog."
I wandered toward the den. "Which one? He's had at least ten Basset hounds. Every time one gets too old or sick to appear on the show, it ends up in his house."
"Where are his pets now?"
"I dunno. I think Aunt Julie took them. I'm shocked as hell that I even got the mansion."
The sofas wore dust covers, but the moment I walked past them, the fireplace flared to life, a pair of candelabras sparking and lighting up around a framed painting of dad and his dogs.
"Motion sensors. Your father had a flair for the dramatic."
I rolled my eyes. "I know."
"This wasn't an accident, Mister Wardlaw, this was a cold blooded murder, and you did it!" my dad's voice barked.
I nearly jumped out of my skin before I noticed the flat panel TV glowing between the bookshelves.
My wife marched up to the TV, watching the preview clips. "`Death On the Books'...That's...Episode Three, right?"
I rubbed my forehead, frowning at the long opening sequence. Woman in an old timey negligee making a call on a rotary phone. Man in a leisure suit pouring himself bourbon on the rocks, quarreling with her about publishing rights. "Probably. With Featherstone, though, the question, though, the question always is—"
"I know, I know," Sharon groaned. "Which episode Three." She clicked buttons on a `Decoding Featherstone' app. "She's not wearing a bra in this version. That means her husband is going to kill her with a glass jewelry box and try to make it look like she drowned in the bathtub."
I squinted at the screen for confirmation of a nipple sighting. "You got all that from a missing bra?"
Sharon pointed at her phone. "It's got a flowchart. If the wife has a bra on, she also has a gun in her garter belt, and she ends up plugging him before he can raise a hand to her. He also would have been drinking Scotch."
"I...seem to remember hearing about one where he floats facedown in a pool and she makes it look like a mob hit."
"Yeah..."
We both stared as the man opened a sleeping pill, pouring it into a glass of wine with a dramatic flourish.
"Is that in the flowchart?"
Sharon slowly shook her head. "She's not supposed to be in a negligee when that happens...Featherstone's going to have a hard time proving this was a murder."
"They always make some trifling mistake."
"True..."
I turned the TV sideways, checking the ports.
"Whatcha looking for?"
"Afoot is a steaming video service. Nobody told me anything about dad's internet provider. I thought someone disconnected all that during the police search."
"No afoot, no Featherstone TV show." Sharon agreed. "You think it's piggybacking off of us?"
I found only an antenna cable on the TV. "What the hell?"
Wire connected to a spaceship shaped antenna next to the ceiling.
I pulled the object down, but the picture didn't weaken any.
"What's that, a UFO?"
"It's jut a digital receiver from Walmart."
"Nothing inside? Like a hotspot or something?"
I got a screwdriver out of my car and dismantled the whole thing, but only found the usual plastic shell. Didn't affect the signal any either.
"Gotta be a strong hotspot around here somewhere. Maybe it's broadcasting like a radio station."
"I'm surprised the FCC hasn't got wind of this."
"The property's too big. I don't think the neighbors would pick up anything. You didn't see any actual towers on the outside, did you?"
"No..." She opened the wifi menu on her phone. "Wow, Readallaboutit82 has solid bars all the way up. There has got to be a router or something nearby."
The two of us split up, following the router signal in a large scale game of hot and cold.
"Freezing," I called from the upper floor landing.
"Warm...hot..." I followed my wife into an industrial kitchen, past a mini bistro to a sliding patio door.
The signal led us outside, into a garden of disfigured topiary animals. After playing the hot/cold game for another five minutes, we arrived at a low stone building.
"What do you think this is?"
"Maybe a maintenance shed, or maybe the groundskeeper stays here. Guess it makes sense. They'd have to stay somewhere."
I knocked on the door.
"I doubt anyone's going to open. The place hasn't been dusted, and all these hedge animals have gone to seed."
"Someone's using the wifi. Maybe they're just lazy."
I tried the knob, and the door swung inward, revealing a laboratory filled with scientific equipment.
Sharon leaned in, staring at the beakers and retorts and loaded bookshelves. "Doctor Frankenstein, I presume?"
A panel on the wall slid open, and an oversized computer monitor with glowing cartoon eyes rolled out on a conveyor belt. A robotic voice barked, "System activated. Awaiting input."
Story 1: The Animator.
Sunlight slowly emerged from the canopy of clouds outside the airplane window, giving mounds of vaporous fluff a golden hue. The shapes in the mist reminded me of famous cartoon characters.
The visage of Blaster Bunny reminded me of my recent job offer. I dug it out of my carryon bag, re-reading it once again.
Story 2: Animal Crossing.
"I've seen your Youtube videos. If anyone can find the answer to this thing, it would be you."
She handed me a game card for the Nintendo Switch. Googly Goose World.
"I'm familiar with the title," I said dryly. "I've posted about a hundred tutorials on it. Want anything in particular?"
Looking dead serious, the woman said, "The location of five million dollars."
I stared, blinking like a toad. "For starters, the game's economy is—"
"Moonlight gems," she groaned. "I know."
"I'm...not following you."
She let out a heavy sigh. "My husband gave the coordinates to a video game character. He wrote a letter to one of those little bears, in the game itself. He said I'd never find it. I want to prove him wrong."
"Ma'am, I don't know what you expect from me. Those letters, you have to talk to the...bears more than a hundred times to get them to show you just one of them."
"Can't you...do your thing and unpack the code or something?"
"Um...it's not quite that simple."
"How much?"
"How much what?"
"How much can I pay you to do this for me?"
"Well..."
(I thought this was a great idea, but a story about a guy playing Animal Crossing really isn't that exciting. It's not like anyone is going to die).
Stoiy 3: Commander Pickles
(I didn't finish this one because it didn't fit the contest I was supposed to write for. It was supposed to be a story about making history, not making a historical footnote.)
I was in first grade when Commander Pickles blew his brains out on live national TV.
They'd canceled my school because of a blizzard. All alone in my parents' house, I watched the man draw a Smith and Wesson from his voluminous pockets, sticking it into his mouth.
I'd been peeling an orange with a steak knife at the time. When the gun went off, I cut my finger.
Honestly, they should have stopped rolling the cameras the moment his meltdown began. You could kinda tell something was off when he tripped over something in front of Haywire's handless clock. He came up with sweat beading on his fat face, hands shaking as he gripped the side of Doctor Gizmo's multicolored Inventron for support.
Commander Pickles wasn't even supposed to be in Magic Land. He used to steadfastly exist in the humdrum realm of 1716 Bell Street, to teach kids the ironclad division between reality and fantasy, but somewhere along the tenth and untimely final season, the Commander's picnic basket lost a couple sandwiches.
"Hey," he gasped as he stared at the camera. "What's the dill, pickle?"
He paused after this, as if listening to me or some other viewer talking back. "Oh fuck, man! Sorry to hear that!"
Oddly pessimistic of the man, what if some kid were having a birthday?...And he cussed!
"I'm not doing too well myself."
Story 4: Ratatat (Not the same character).
I found a book called Ratatat in a thrift store. It was about a brown fuzzy rodent who helped people. Worked and slept in an office. He was always typing on an Old Royal, hence the name.
What he helped people with, that was the strange part. Honestly, I don't even know how it got published.
The first chapter has a young homeless man who stubbornly holds his breath waiting for a big art job. Every day he sits on the corner of an overpass, drawing and painting in the freezing cold instead of learning a valuable lesson about taking a normal job in order to "support his habit." Ratatat appears out of an icy fog to give him an easy out. He only has to paint a door on the canvas and he's stepping into the magical land of Furton, where he's a successful painter...and also a humanoid squirrel.
Then there was the story about the lady who didn't want to have kids, but had one anyway. Her boyfriend had tricked her, so she ended up pregnant and unhappy. Instead of working through the conflict, Ratatat shows up at the hospital and takes her, baby-less, to Furton.
(I couldn't figure out where to go with this).
Save money by watching two or three classic films combined in one!
Cocktail: Gorillas in the Mist.
Oscar: Buried Alive.
Ghandi: A Chorus Line.
The Elephant Man Who Fell to Earth.
Edward Scissorhands: Clean and Sober.
Dances with Wolves On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
George Washington: The Meanest Man in the World.
Death Wish 6: I love trouble, and getting even with dad.
Beauty and the Beast: Invasion of Privacy.
Jack and the Beanstalk: Lost in Alaska.
Nosferatu the Vampire and the Bronte Sisters.
Batman: My Stepmother is an Alien.
Bride of Frankenstein: Flash Dance.
Daddy Longlegs: Six Hours to Live.
Rembrandt: The Wolf Man.
Kong: The Most Dangerous Game.
Kickboxer 3: Honeymoon in Vegas.
Son of Frankenstein: To Be or Not To be.
The Big Bus: King Kong.
Fort Apache: The Bronx.
Donovan's Brain: Advise and Consent.
Karate kid: Lean on Me.
Dracula: He Who Gets Slapped.
The Mummy's Curse: High Noon.
A Countess from King Kong.
Ghostbusters 4: Shoot to Kill .
Hot Rods to Hell: The Best Years of our lives.
Gremlins: Illegally Yours.
Firestarter: Muppets Take Manhattan.
Elvis: Someones Watching Me.
Malcolm X: Born to be Wild.
Damien- Omen 5: Battle for the Planet of the Apes.
The Thing: Tender Mercies.
Mighty Joe Young: The Fugitive.
101 Dalmatians Dying Young.
Fashions for Women: Blood and Sand.
Pat and Mike: House of Wax.
Taxi Driver: Defending Your Life.
Motels: Son of Dracula.
Twister: Where the Heart is.
Hoffa: Sleeping with the Enemy.
Charlotte's web: Frontier Doctor.
Mary Poppins: The Man Who Loved Women.
Amazon Women on the Moon Coming to America.
The Hairy Ape: The Babe Ruth Story.
Julius Caesar: The Wild One.
Strategic Air Command: Love Me Tender.
Midnight Cowboy: The Day of the Locust.
The Longest Day: Night of the Iguana.
Predator 5: Under Siege.
Pete's Dragon: Viva Knievel.
Tarzan and the She Devil: Gorilla at Large.
The Swiss Family Robinson: Kidnapped.
Poison Ivy: The Sketch Artist.
Hitler: Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea .
The Muppet Movie: Whispering Ghosts.
The Grim Reaper: Semi Tough.
The Mambo Kings: Conquest of Paradise.
The Day of the Locust: Looking for Mister Goodbar.
White Fang: Becoming Colette.
The Hound of the Baskervilles: I Am the Law.
Detective Kitty O Day: Revenge of the Zombies.
Jimmy Dean, Come Back to the Five and Dime.
There was a Crooked Man... Superman.
King David Driving Miss Daisy.
Bram Stoker's Dracula: The Color of Money.
King Kong: Somebody Killed Her Husband.
All the Present's Men: A Thousand Clowns.
The Killer is Twelve Angry Men
The Failures of King Kong.
The Killer is Loose: Baby it's You.
Kit Carson: Blood and Sand.
Kong: For those Who Think Young.
Who will Love My Children? Grumpy old men.
Gorillas in the mist: Class Action.
Warlock: The Best Man.
Voltaire: The Man Who Played God.
Fort Apache: Three Godfathers.
Desperately Seeking Susan After Hours.
New York Stories: Amazon Women on the Moon.
Shampoo: Coming Home.
Quiet Wedding: The Nun's Story.
The Towering Inferno: That's Entertainment.
Dirty Dozen: The Longest Yard.
The Breakfast Club: Milagro Bean Field War.
Alice Adams: The Plainsman.
Psycho: Bye bye birdie.
The Poseidon Adventure: Dead and Buried.
Exorcist 4: Where the Heart is.
American Ninja 5: Deep Space.
The Warriors: Escape from New York.
The Hunger: The Linguine Incident.
Henry V: Dead Again.
Eaten Alive Without Warning.
They Made Me A Criminal - Whoopie!
Let's Make Love: Over My Dead Body.
Little Buddha: The Tragedy of a Ridiculous Man.
Daddy Nostalgia: Kung Fu Master .
The Wild Angels Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women.
Ride em Cowboy, pardon my sarong.
Ghost 2: A Rude Awakening.
Evil Knievel: Psychic Killer.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon, young at heart.
Hound of the Baskervilles: Blood and Sand.
Sherlock Holmes and the Weird Woman.
The Lone Wolf in London: Pardon my Rhythm.
Swiss Family Robinson: the longest day.
Little Women: A kiss before dying.
Looking for Mister Goodbar: The Hindenburg.
Lady in the dark: Cracked Nuts ... And then there were none.
The Alamo: Voyage to the bottom of the sea.
Iron man: Spirit of Notre Dame.
Robocop: The Philadelphia Experiment.
The Count of Monte Cristo: Parachute Jumper.
Son of Lassie: Thirty Seconds over Tokyo.
Wild Strawberries: The Seventh Seal.
Assignment 384: Brush your teeth with Comet liquid cleanser.
Assignment 385: Closets, trash cans, chairs, rugs and flower pots are great go-to places for urination.
Assignment 386: Try to pick flowers off of wallpaper.
Assignment 377: Talk to all the pictures on your walls, and the walls of other people's houses.
Assignment 378: Work hard to make that person in the mirror into an unfamiliar stranger.
Assignment 379: Remember, mirrors aren't really mirrors. They're actually windows for you to see Freddy Krueger disguised as you.
Assignment 403: Experiment with foods outside your comfort range, such as soap, soil in planters, washing machine pods or sponges.
Assignment 400: Redraw the states of America based on political affiliation and stereotypes. Rename each state after words in Lord of the Rings, and teach to students in grade school in place of their regular geography lessons.
Assignment 398: You know that episode of MASH where Klinger eats a jeep? That's actually a good idea.
Assignment 395: Everyday, normal people feed with a PEG tube. They don't have to be sick or anything. They're fun and enjoyable to use.
Assignment 382: Start a special club for young people who take laxatives every day, or every hour if you're feeling especially adventurous.
Assignment 383: Dress up like the grim reaper and watch a random person hour after hour, day after day, until, years later, they die.
Judgmentalism comes from social media. Just read the replies to most postings on Facebook and reddit. They may be funny, but ninety percent is mean spirited.
And then they gaslight you as being judgmental yourself the moment you do the same thing. Especially if it's a political viewpoint they don't agree with.
Whoever put me in Facebook jail, I got the last laugh. Today, thanks to removing Facebook from my phone, I collected more money at my job than I've done all year.
Okay, so it's 99.9 percent God, for setting them all up like dominos, but it really helped to not be staring at stupid posts or news articles or bad dating ads when I'm supposed to be paying attention to the computer.
I don't think Facebook mods have time to review every item every person has posted this year, especially on small unpopular pages like mine.
I'm fairly sure that it works exactly like Russian intelligence in the days of the USSR where fellow citizens rat other people out.
So when I commented on Christopher Walken's birthday, someone got upset and cyberstalked me to my personal page and reported a random unrelated post to the mods because they were somehow unable to on the original page.
The same thing must have happened when I commented on a post from a star trek group. They were talking about how they sent a ship full of social media influencers and artists into space, I said something they didn't like in response, so they cyberstalked me to my assignments for crazy people site, because they apparently can't do it directly on the post. And they don't understand how everything on the crazy people page was for humorous effect only and not something I want anyone to do.
Either that or a person who left my friend list really hates me, and was stalking the page for weeks trying to get revenge, and just now found something.
I feel sorry for you girl. You need something better to do with your life than stalking me.
Also, I can live without dumb star trek memes anyway.
Another theory: I saw a video someone posted of a guy punching a woman. I commented that I was surprised I didn't have to click a box for sensitive content to view it. I think the person that posted it cyberstalked me in order to get revenge, because Facebook probably banned him. "You ban my video, I put you in Facebook jail too," says the woman beater.
Or, it could have been because my last name is Wagner and I posted a joke on my wall about not being associated with the Wagner Group and people thought I was actually tied to them and worked to get me banned because they're idiots and they don't know how poor and unconnected I am.
Last time I got in Facebook jail it was because of a post about mash being a war protest film. Facebook was unapologetic, I think because they thought I was not on the side of Ukraine. It doesn't make sense, but if we're going by idiotic algorithms, they probably picked up on words like war and protest and ignored important words like Vietnam and Korea, which took everything out of context.
...Unless Facebook does not allow you to say that the mash film and book were not funny. In that case, well, they should also ban users who badmouth the marvel movies because it's just as opinionated and arbitrary.
Can people see when you heart or haha a news article? There's a few times where I'd be the only one posting that reaction to a political article. Perhaps someone cyberstalked me for that.
Website rules are arbitrary as hell. You can make a "no girls allowed" clause and ban women from your site if you want. I'm looking at you, Facebook.
I have a Facebook page called "assignments for crazy people". All the assignments on there are hazardous to your health. I didn't think it too unreasonable to post an assignment only crazy people would do, like blow yourself up with a car bomb.
Do I need to constantly post reminders that only crazy people do these things? I should have been in Facebook jail years ago for some of those posts.
I mean, how would you do that anyway? And why? It's ridiculous as telling someone to pull their lip over their head and swallow.
But now I'm off Facebook for a month.
Well, I lost a lot of friends on there already, and I've found new things to do in reddit, woodoku and art websites, and more importantly, working on my art, writing and videos. Thank goodness I didn't tie my T##### account to Facebook or I'd be banned there too.
Anyway, here's to doing something productive with my time.
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