How to defend yourself in emails, forums and other web communications.
If you look up netiquette online, you will find a lot of generic answers to the issue of dealing with people online. A lot of them say things like "Don't discuss religion or politics," or "Check usenet forum guidelines before posting (like they're all set in stone with every last detail explained, or that usenet even exists anymore)," "send the moderator a box of chocolates and flowery poetry," that kind of B.S. What none of these articles give you are pointers on what to do if you get stuck in a flame war with someone. Calling person names, or a Nazi, although fun, is the equivalent of using a sledgehammer when a verbal scalpel would suffice in resolving the conflict.
Sometimes you will get embroiled in arguments that seem to have no end. No amount of name calling will terminate the debate, and no one is rushing to your aid, or step in and ban the other party from the group and/or site. In fact, you may be in danger of being banned yourself. Any moment, you will crash and burn.
I had to learn by trial and error what to do and what not to do. And so I am presenting this article to anyone who is wise enough to search for tips on the subject instead of just winging it and thinking they know it all.
I wish someone would have told me this stuff years ago when I was facing my own private internet wars. I would have had a life. I would have been able to do other, better things with my time.
Please excuse my disrespectful tone in some of this, I have had to endure a great deal of suffering because of these mistakes, and not one human being has understood what I'm going through or lifted a finger to help me escape my personal internet hell. I have had to learn these lessons completely by trial and error and failure.
Defensive Messaging:
Communicating on the internet is like driving. There are no real winners, you just try to get to work. Sure, there are exceptions like Forensic Debate, but that's what NASCAR is to regular driving. Everyone thinks they can handle it, but the dangerous stuff is best handled by professionals. The average person will crash and burn if they go about it carelessly.
The Basics:
1. Don't stick your head in a beehive.
If you seen an online group devoted to vegetarianism (I'm using a neutral topic here - you can fill in the blank with anything you're facing - religion, politics, football, whatever) don't go in there with a bunch of posts arguing that they're all stupid and should be eating meat. All the members there will gladly rake you over the coals. You will not make any converts to your cause. Don't go through the member list and ,message them all one by one either, because they have a hive mind and will swarm on you. You will be banned and special rules will be established against exactly the kind of things you are doing.
2. Don't drop flame bait, and don't respond to other's flame bait.
Think about the other people on your social group. Do you have any enemies? Is your posting going to piss them off? Or make them try to change everything you are? Either tuck that bait under your hat or find better friends.
Note: This can include issues that well meaning friends tend to badger you about, like how you're coughing a lot because you're a smoker, or that you're having difficulty breathing or something because you're a little overweight, or the car doesn't work because you can't afford to take it into the shop, but everyone says you must. Making a post about this may lead to unwanted advice, and possible arguments.
If you see a post that seems to be designed to offend you and individuals of your demographic, and the person seems rather bold and unyielding in their opinions, don't drop in and attempt to change their mind. Refer to the beehive item above.
Red Alert!
You're stuck in a flame war. What do you do?
To describe how to survive this kind of battle, I will use an easy to remember metaphor: You are a young starship captain facing off against a warlike Klingon, and your ship has taken a lot of damage. It's time for "Evasive maneuvers".
1. Hail the enemy and request peace.
If there's something both you and your arguer can agree upon, focus on that, and let all side issues drop. Continue to hammer home the things you agree upon as you enter the melee.
2. Status report:
Consider your objectives:
2A. What is the desired outcome of this battle?
Nine times out of ten, I've decided it's getting the debate to end, and finding a better use of my time. The argument is a waste of time and energy. I'd rather play video games than waste my time with this blockhead.
2B. What is at stake? What will happen if I lose?
Generally, it's my pride that I have to consider, and what the outcome will say about me as a person.
2C. Will this damage the bridge?
In other words, does any of the content of the argument challenge or defy everything you are as a person? Will surrender mean condemning your eternal soul to hell, or merely eternal heck? Can some of it be overlooked as an acceptable loss? You will have to eat a lot of humble pie to escape an argument. You will have to accept looking stupid, looking like a coward, accept a bit of shame, and say the other person is right once or twice. The more you can agree with the other person, the more you can surrender, the better. But if it compromises something that's at the very core of your being, you will have to focus on defending that, and only that.
3. Shields up.
Not every argument or insult that gets thrown at you actually stings. If you can laugh it off as the other person being stupid, let it roll over you like water off a duck's back, and, most importantly, if possible, ignore the whole argument, let it drop. Don't say anything about it (especially a remark about it being stupid). Let them self destruct and write long essays to you. Note: Don't read these essays! If at all possible, ignore them and calmly walk away. Don't reply to anything you don't want to
.
3A. Don't let the enemy see your phaser banks warming up.
Is your post controversial for the sake of being controversial, or is this central to who you are? Try not to intentionally give offense if you can help it. Again, what is essential? Will this destroy who you are, or can you walk away? Eternal hell, or merely heck?
Whenever in doubt, and whenever possible, take the post down if it stirs up the whole unwanted argument. Remove it and post it somewhere safer.
4. Not `should' but can I retreat from battle? If so, full reverse.
In the majority of arguments, you will find that the other person will not follow you out of their comfortable arena of debate. In fact, often they are so lazy that they will not bother to say anything further to you once they've said their piece and gotten in the very last word. Whether it be a Facebook post or a message board entry, they only want to be right in their little territory, like a toy dog. You will find that most, if not all, will not chase you into private messages or other places online. As long as they look good where they are, they don't give a flying fig about you, or what you think, or what you do.
5. Cut power to non-essentials.
The vigorous debater, the Klingon, loves to open can after can of worms and throw them in your face. These side issues have nothing or very little to do with the mail topic of discussion, and only serve to prolong the debate for all eternity. For example, "If God were truly loving, he wouldn't have allowed all those Ewoks on Endor to get destroyed by an exploding Death Star," or maybe that old argument about God making a boulder that He can't lift. If you value your free time like I do, ignore these side issues, cut them off with careful answers that indicate you're not going to discuss them and retreat into the Neutral Zone.
6. Give the enemy wide berth.
Again, agree more than you disagree, aiming for peace. It's easier to escape battle when no battle is happening. You don't have to like them, just give them the opportunity to bow out peacefully. If at all possible, let them get in the last word, only so they can shut up.
Understand that your lack of response does not mean agreement, it merely means you're not going to talk about it. Not responding is essential in leaving this never ending debate.
7. Fire warning shots and defensive shots from a place of absolute security.
Use only as a last resort. Most of your attacks, although coming from an arena where you are theoretically comfortable with, may end up being turned against you by enemy deflectors. Overconfidence may lead to being further embroiled in more debates.
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