Assignment 362: When you see a cop pulling someone over, unbuckle your seatbelt, send a bunch of texts on your phone and swerve between lanes.
Assignment 359: Name your first child "Colon".
Assignment 360: Start up a metal or country band called the "Splendidly Caparisoned Steeds". Hit the bar circuit just to watch drunks pronounce it.
Assignment 361: Fill a bunch of baby pumpkins with colored talcum powder and flour soaked in food coloring and hire an army of people to lay siege to the walls of Disneyland. If anyone asks you to explain, show them a picture of your weiner.
Assignment 358: Things to do at Lucasfilm Ranch: Tear apart all the wood paneling in search of a hidden cassette tape.
Sneak into the building by standing by the mailbox and having someone else ring the doorbell.
Check for a hidden front door key under the welcome mat.
Locate the microwave and put a hamster inside.
Call George Lucas a tuna head.
Try to crawl under the front porch and play with the pool faucet.
Pester the staff with questions about a hidden nuclear reactor.
Shatter the windows with ultrasonic frequencies.
Try to distract security by hiring people to distract them or engaging them with protracted debates over the phone.
Try to impress George Lucas with tinny recordings of the Loom video game.
Assignment 352: Urine is completely sterile. You can drink it. Try some.
Assignment 353: Whenever you see a basketball hoop, slam a basketball through it as hard as you can, no matter if it's the one with the expensive glass backboard at the YMCA or a kid's tiny plastic thing that can barely withstand the force of an excited three year old, let alone a full grown adult, with the gracefulness of a bull elephant.
Assignment 354: Put thousands of dollars into a complicated safety mechanism and comfortable state of the art cabin for a prototype time machine based on questionable scientific frameworks and theories found in science fiction novels.
Assignment 355: Give your child a script to read to debt collectors. Make the child act like you, making them say adult things about the better business bureau and suing for harassment. Remember, you're not just skipping a debt because you don't feel like paying it, you're teaching teaching future generations to skip a debt because they don't want to pay it.
Assignment 356: On a day when the power goes out , sit in front of your computer and try to hammer out a 100,000 word novel on a black screen, then act upset when the printer refuses to cooperate. When the power comes back on, also act upset that none of your work saved. Call tech support and Microsoft to complain about the situation.
Assignment 357: If some old babysitter of yours keeps reminding you that they "remember you when you were in diapers" shut them up by putting on some depends and an adult baby costume and parading in front of them at some inopportune moment. Casually remark that you "remember what they were talking about now."
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