Crazy people assignments

 Assignment 613: Always wear long flowing garments and long neckties while cooking over a hot stove. It adds to the fun.

Assignment 614: Print out a checklist of locking up information, including alarm passwords, and place it somewhere easy to find when you leave on that vacation. Like, for example, on the outside of your front door.

Assignment 615: Always drive around with a full can of gasoline, propane, kerosene, paint thinner and fireworks in your trunk, especially on the fourth of July. It will be spectacular when you get rear ended.

Assignment 594: Invite everyone in the neighborhood to your house for a party...to scrub your patio furniture, dust your house, do your dishes and clean the floors. It'll be fun. No refreshments or anything, just them, cleaning your house.

Assignment 595: Whenever you drive somewhere, and you know for a fact that a street should cut through to a certain area, but instead you get lost, make note of that street. Take a special trip to that particular intersection with a bullhorn, condemning it in the name of God for not going in the direction you want it to. Declare that the entire street will be cast down into hell for misdirecting you, even if there are people living there, and employees working in a McDonald's on the corner.

Assignment 596: Adding short and curlies to anything makes it sell better.

Assignment 597: Gather all your family heirlooms and valuables together in one place and urinate all over them.

Assignment 598: When driving, make sure you avoid hitting children. Instead aim for their toys, crunching their little dolls, sports equipment and remote control cars beneath your wheels.

Assignment 599: Produce a line of lingerie that has storage pockets for cookies, muffins and Twinkies.