Assignments for crazy people

Assignment 1: Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows

Assignment 2: Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable.

Assignment 3: Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'

Assignment 4: Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell you're doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas'

Assignment 5: Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'

Assignment 6: Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie Mayor McCheese to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a cop pulls you over, roll down the window and
indignantly ask 'WHAT?'

Assignment 7: Become the manager of a major professional sports team, then refuse to travel to other cities, insisting they come to you instead.

Assignment 8: Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask, and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it, and tiptoe around the airport.

Assignment 9: It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like.

Assignment 10: Make a sign describing the 1993 E.Coli incident at Jack In The Box. Go to one of their restaurants and superglue it on the wall beneath their company history.

Assignment 12: Buy several video game password books and piece together bible verses from the letter and number combinations. Share your findings with anyone who will will listen and say it's a sign of the apocalypse.

Assignment 13: Write a long religious tract based on the premise that Speed Racer drives a car called the "Mark 5" and mail it to every religious radio program you can think of.

Assignment 14: When you've got five feet of snow on your drive, don't go for the shovel. Use dynamite instead.

Assignment 15: Pee on random people in the office.

Assignment 16: Spend an hour shopping for gifts with your dad. After wrapping the presents, wait until he's not looking and take everything to the thrift store.

Assignment 17: Buy something nice for yourself, then painstakingly wrap the item. A minute later, act surprised as you unwrap it. This should become easier when you become advanced in years.

Assignment 18: Go to the video store with a magic marker. Cross out the word "trilogy" on all the Matrix movies and write in the word "Matrices".

Assignment 19: Punch a random person at your workplace. It doesn't matter if they're your enemy or not. They will be after you punch them!

Assignment 20: Buy the entire series of Star Trek TV The Next Generation episodes AND the movies. Edit out all the made up technical words with dirty words, names of diseases, and famous politicians.

Assignment 21: Find your old college, high school and middle school teachers, and demand they all give you the lesson time you missed due to snow days, sick days, or times where they made you watch videos.

Assignment 22: Send hundreds of messages to Microsoft telling them to reroute the life support system in your room to computer memory power so your computer can stop crashing. Who cares if Star Trek isn't real? Neither is the place where it always asks you to send the messages to.

Assignment 23: Write a letter to the president and other elected officials demanding they recount the votes you put in during mock elections in middle school.

Assignment 24: Try to convince your coworkers that your office and your entire city is actually a place in Russia, and you're being experimented upon by Communists.

Assignment 25: While watching a movie at the theater, wait for the most awkward time in the film and suddenly yell "Noooooooooooo!"

Assignment 26: Impress your dentist. Rig up some kind of dental appliance that will allow you to etch clever designs on your teeth with soda pop and citrus.

Assignment 27: Find a church directory and mail everyone on the list a random picture.

Assignment 28: Find out if Samuel Jackson was right about sewer rat tasting like pumpkin pie.

Assignment 29: Try bungee jumping with paper clips.

Assignment 30: Make a lace outfit. Combine it with lots and lots of Velcro.

Assignment 31: Wash your car with an SOS pad.

Assignment 32: Pick up smoking, and smoke while you're on a treadmill.

Assignment 33: Go fishing at Seaworld.

Assignment 34: Bring a brick into the bowling alley. Use it instead of a bowling ball.

Assignment 35: Go to a Westboro Baptist funeral protest with your own sign. One that reads "WHO FARTED?"

Assignment 36: Create a rock band, go through the club circuit until you get famous, and then during one of the musical numbers near the start of the show, loudly tell
your band, "Let's take it home, boys!" And then pack up all the equipment and instruments and actually go home.

Assignment 37: Take a Plan 9 From Outer Space DVD and remove all the sound, replacing it with the complete works of Frank Zappa.

Assignment 38: Take a roto tiller and a lawnmower to the city garbage dump, then go around blowing shredded trash around while yelling "whee" at the top of your lungs.