Returning to Facebook

 Being in Facebook jail for 30 days taught me a lot. There's no reward for being clever and making clever comments. You got to watch what you say, and not be too clever, or back into jail you go. But you can't post pictures easily on blogger.

Anyway, after scrolling a bit, I realized how much I'd been squandering my time trying to be clever, instead of writing my novel or something constructive. People miss me there, at least a little, so I think I'll just limit most of my action to thumbs up.

7 PM: Already I am angry and seething about something I saw someone post on my friends page. Facebook isn't good for your mental health.

May 6: I'll never be good enough for premium internet curation, so stop being clever.

Crazy People Assignments

 Assignment 559: Once you're on the police force, you can put a siren and flashing lights on anything. Get creative, and try to catch those speeders in a Model T Roadster, an Edsel, a dune buggy, a trash truck, or a riding lawnmower.

Assignment 560: It's time to find out if dog poop tastes as bad as everyone says.

Assignment 561: Write a bunch of death threats to yourself and send them to your house from different addresses. Reference things only you and one other person know about. Report it to the police.

Assignment 553: Cover your chair in feces, then sit down in it and act surprised, horrified, even. Start accusing everyone around you of doing it, even if it is, in fact, your feces.

Assignment 554: Cut your head out of photographs and stick them on pornographic pictures. Make copies and post them all over town, and on the bulletin board at work. Act surprised when you see the pictures, alternating between "And I thought he was supposed to be such a moral, upstanding pillar of the community" and getting outraged that some unknown person would do something like this to ruin your spotless reputation. If someone catches you putting the pictures up, get even more outraged at your damaged reputation, to compensate.

Assignment 555: Dress up a barbie doll to look like you, then stab it and cover it with fake blood and mail it to yourself with no return address. Act horrified and report the threat to the police.

Assignment 556: Get a dead animal head from a butcher or taxidermist, then stick it on your own fence post with a note reading "Your next." Act scared and tell everyone in the neighborhood about the threat.

Assignment 557: If you want to drop live, claw snapping crustaceans, or box turtles on your genitals, no one's judging you.

Cable

 This week I've been cleaning my parents' house, with the tv on. I've been able to watch shows they normally don't watch.

My folks pay for cable, but paradoxically spend most their time watching local channels you don't need cable for. Mostly metv. Time Warner should give them a kickback for all that unused cable.

They went out of town, so I decided to clean up while I can get away with it. Sometimes dad gets real mad when I clear the dining room table.

Anyway, I am tired of metv so I tried the other stations. Daytime TV really sucks. Having cable doesn't really help. I'm glad I don't have it. Plus time Warner keeps freezing up and dropping sound on those hd channels.

I used to watch the history channel nonstop, because I like to be entertained and informed. Unfortunately now it's back to back BS, like ancient aliens and skinwalker ranch. I could feel my brains seeping out my ears when I left the channel on for a couple hours.

Tnt was okay with the supernatural marathon, until I got to a movie I didn't want to watch.

I watched the comedy channel. I discovered there were episodes of Seinfeld that aren't funny. And then I tried to watch the office. Not very funny either.

People talked about castle being a good show. To me it's boring. 

So I watched the forensics files. That's actually some good stuff, but tonight it really creeped me out for some reason. I thought there were people in the house.

The oxford comma

 A case in favor for the oxford comma: I found a devotional that says, "If God created everything good, why do people die and do evil things?" Without the oxford comma, this sentence makes you wonder if zombies exist, or that dead people are knocking over liquor stores. 

I know, technically, you could change "and" to "or" and fix it, but "die, and do evil things" also would work.

Walkers

 We need to brainstorm on how to make better walkers for old people. The rear legs always have skis that get caught on rugs and floor mats. I thought of a design where the back end is like a wiffle ball, and you have rods poking into it to make it stop when you want it not to move, but I don't know how to build that.

Grocery quest

 I couldn't find good kimchi at the roeland park price chopper, just a really bitter tasting one. It's not at the Walmart neighborhood market either. Or hivee. Guess it's either going to be at a health food store or direct from the Korean market on Shawnee mission parkway. 

When I asked a grocer at hivee about kimchi, she didn't know what I was talking about. After explaining it was pickled cabbage, she directed me to the pickle aisle. If they keep it there, they don't respect good kimchi. When I asked the guy behind the sushi desk for kimchi, he just laughed and said no.

I actually found tofu crumbles at hivee. It wasn't at Walmart or price chopper. And only hivee has powdered Gatorade.

Am I vegan? No, just lazy. We can put a man on the moon, and have access to all the world's information by pressing a button on your phone, but you can't go to the grocery store and buy a package of packaged precooked crumbled beef.

Why I'm not fat

 I think the only reason why I'm not fat is because there was never anything good to eat in my house. If I had chips and barbecue in my house all the time, I would have never known when to stop eating. But generally we had salads and stuff. I'd go in the fridge and see cheese and a jar of pickles and ask myself if I were really that hungry. It all depends on what you got in the fridge.