Frequently, at around 4 in the morning, I have a strange vision. It's like this swirling red pattern beneath my eyelids, accompanied by ringing in my ears, and it's like the voice of God is speaking to me.
It's always angry, always condemning me for the tiniest of infractions. Basically if I do anything Jesus didn't do, it condemns me for it and threatens to end my life if I don't change it and make myself super perfect. Jesus didn't play Tetris for three hours, so that's idolatry, and I could be punished for that. Or other minor things. Writing a science fiction novel is "idolatry".
There's no grace involved here, just the end of the world and judgment.
Recently, I've discovered this has almost always coincided with my frequent need to go to the bathroom. Maybe I'm just fearful of wetting the bed. I don't know.
I have bipolar disorder. I started seeing the red thing a lot when they put me on Paxil. I don't use it anymore, but the wrathful God voice keeps visiting me.
It's not biblical, really. It's like religious compulsion. That's my problem with it. It tells me to go to extremes that no normal God believing christian would go to, for reasons that aren't always scriptural. I really have to be careful and make sure that I'm hearing the still small voice of God and not the thing in the top of my head.
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