Assignments for Crazy People Part 3

Assignment 173: Pour yourself a bowl of salty pretzel Chex Mix cereal, complete with milk. If you like that one, try the same thing with a can of crushed Pringles.

Assignment 174: Type up an entire novel with the keyboard upside down so that you end up with three hundred pages of pure gibberish. Here is a sentence to get you started: "om s hplrin yhjr htpimf yjrtr ;obrf s honnoy."

Assignment 175: Get Robert Englund to re-enact all the Freddy movies without the makeup, without the claw, and dressed in a two piece suit. Bonus if you tell him not to cuss. "Take it to prime time, Beth!"

Assignment 176: Travel to London and ask the actor playing Doctor Who about Prescription Plavix. Ask the Doctor if Plavix is right for you.

Assignment 177: Go surfing or snowboarding on an ironing board. Not with an ironing board, but on it, so it's more painful.

Assignment 178: Train your body to wet the bed at night. Bonus if you do it at a friend's house.

Assignment 179: Keep a scrapbook of painful, depressing memories.

Assignment 180: Take photographs of family members crying and put them in an album.


Assignment 181: Don't save petty things like wedding photographs, your child's drawings, love letters, or anything trivial like that. Only save up cute advertisements you find in magazines and in the paper. You know, the stuff you never want to part with.

Assignment 182: Create a talk show for men where everyone talks while standing behind urinals for the entire duration of the program.

Assignment 183: It's never too early to try out a catheter.

Assignment 184: Put on a Darth Vader mask and dance on Alec Guinness' grave, yelling, "I beat you! I beat you! Hoo yeah! Who's more powerful now!"

Assignment 185: Get into a big argument with the president's wife on national TV.

Assignment 186: After the customer verifies all their account details, tell them you're the wrong company.

Assignment 187: Pretend to be a ninja in an Amish town.

Assignment 188: Chop down your neighbor's evergreen while dressed as a leprechaun. If someone yells at you, mesmerize them with a sprightly leprechaun jig.

Assignment 189: Walk out of the bathroom with chocolate smeared all over your face and lick your fingers a lot.

Assignment 190: Try to hold up a bookshelf with tax brackets.

Assignment 191: Produce the video game: Rainbow Bright: Black Ops

Assignment 192: Attempt to sell Girl Scout cookies or other items to customers on the phone when it's not what your company sells.

Assignment 193: Start up a financial institution and print customer account numbers, credit card numbers, social security numbers and other personal information on every single piece of paper you send them, including advertisements.

Assignment 194: Grab a random panhandler off the street and make them your drinking buddy.

Assignment 195: Dress up like a robot and stand on a corner begging for money with a professionally printed sign. Bonus if you beg for batteries for your "dependent units" and your sign has flashing lights.

Assignment 196: Create a financial institution that reports "bad debt" on people's credit after they've been past due for two days or less...or because you feel like it.

Assignment 197: Drive down to a credit card customer's house to get a payment from them.

Assignment 198: Open a restaurant featuring Twinkie weiner dogs, Corn Pops and Pixie Stick sandwiches and other similar items.

Assignment 199: High five people while driving around in a crappy car.

Assignment 200: Go to a Planned Parenthood in a brown suit with a dolly full of empty cardboard boxes. Tell the secretary they're boxes of placentas or fetuses and ask for them to sign. Bonus points if you fill the boxes with bibles or anti-abortion literature.

Assignment 201: Tell customers scary things about fraud, like you're going to do it. When the customer verifies their security details, tell them "Aha! I got you now!" And then threaten to commit fraud on their account.

Assignment 202: Call a credit card company and give them no information but a number that's too short and has incorrect digits. Be elaborate in your description of the imaginary account, demanding answers to account questions.

Assignment 203: Answer calls at the office with "My mucus is thick!"

Assignment 204: Randomly flip people off for no reason.

Assignment 205: Tell a customer on the phone that you weren't listening to them. When they ask for a supervisor, hang up, or cold transfer them to Pizza Hut.