Assignment 559: Once you're on the police force, you can put a siren and flashing lights on anything. Get creative, and try to catch those speeders in a Model T Roadster, an Edsel, a dune buggy, a trash truck, or a riding lawnmower.
Assignment 560: It's time to find out if dog poop tastes as bad as everyone says.
Assignment 561: Write a bunch of death threats to yourself and send them to your house from different addresses. Reference things only you and one other person know about. Report it to the police.
Assignment 553: Cover your chair in feces, then sit down in it and act surprised, horrified, even. Start accusing everyone around you of doing it, even if it is, in fact, your feces.
Assignment 554: Cut your head out of photographs and stick them on pornographic pictures. Make copies and post them all over town, and on the bulletin board at work. Act surprised when you see the pictures, alternating between "And I thought he was supposed to be such a moral, upstanding pillar of the community" and getting outraged that some unknown person would do something like this to ruin your spotless reputation. If someone catches you putting the pictures up, get even more outraged at your damaged reputation, to compensate.
Assignment 555: Dress up a barbie doll to look like you, then stab it and cover it with fake blood and mail it to yourself with no return address. Act horrified and report the threat to the police.
Assignment 556: Get a dead animal head from a butcher or taxidermist, then stick it on your own fence post with a note reading "Your next." Act scared and tell everyone in the neighborhood about the threat.
Assignment 557: If you want to drop live, claw snapping crustaceans, or box turtles on your genitals, no one's judging you.
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