Assignment 39: Give your dog a really human sounding name. Get a real last name and first name from the telephone book, so that you can confuse everyone, including your veterinarian.
Assignment 40: Don't actually pay for classes, but get a schedule for college class field trips and hang out with them in order to mooch their snacks and annoy everybody.
Assignment 41: When a customer complains to you that people keep hanging up on them, don't say sorry, just hang up immediately.
Assignment 42: Tell the customer to go into a poor reception area of their house so the call can disconnect.
Assignment 43: Get a call center job, then start writing small science fiction stories in the memo sections on customer accounts. For bonus points, inform management about the newest installments.
Assignment 44: Go around visiting all the real estate and insurance open houses to get free cookies and sodas.
Assignment 45: Deliberately stage a detour in the middle of a street. Stage an accident, pretend like you're moving something, or come up with another dramatic street blocking event. Time it perfectly to match the passage of an oncoming car.
Assignment 46: Write people checks from your piggy bank.
Assignment 47: If a kid asks you what all those X's mean on an adult bookstore, tell them it's where they convert Vin Diesel movie reels to video tape, DVD and Blu Ray, and also it's where they do his taxes.
Assignment 48: Make a black and white calendar featuring scantily clad women posing on Model T's, Model A's, covered wagons, chariots, and the first stone wheel.
Assignment 49: Re-film popular movies in their entirety using different camera angles.
Assignment 50: Make your own debit card out of cardboard, then call your debtors, angrily demanding that they accept it as a legitimate form of payment.
Assignment 51: Paint silhouettes of airplanes on your driveway and set up an airplane model to fool the Google Earth satellite into thinking you have a military base.
Assignment 52: Paint the Bat symbol on your chest and walk around naked, bragging about how you're a superhero.
Assignment 53: Go into a confessional and tell the priest "Okay, I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke." Then attempt to pass exact change through the "teller window."
Assignment 54: Try to read secret assassination messages in the weave of your towels and dish cloths.
Assignment 55: Make a calendar or magazine of bikini babes posing on the worst cars imaginable. Try a semi, an Edsel, a pinto, a minivan, a station wagon, a kid's Radio Flyer Wagon, a soapbox derby car, a dump truck, or an ice cream truck. Some suggestions: Use a street sweeper or a school bus. One possible title: "Trashy Girls Calendar".
Assignment 56: Get a fake display laptop from a furniture store, and go around everywhere pretending to use it. Try to be convincing as possible.
Assignment 57: Make a provocative mini skirt out of a quilt. Bonus points if it's ugly or it has something childish or kitschy on it.
Assignment 58: Attempt to empty out your e-mail recycle bin by printing out each piece of spam and putting it in the recycle bin on your curb, then write angry letters to Microsoft about how their software doesn't let you delete messages, even though you've done everything right.
Assignment 59: Sign a phone contract, don't pay for a month, then call the same company and try to block them from calling you.
Assignment 60: Apply to jobs you are unqualified for or uninterested in using the worst resumes you can possibly write.
Assignment 61: Show up early to a job interview and wait at the building across the street, claiming you're also there for an interview. Bonus if they're not even hiring.
Assignment 62: While teaching kids inane children's songs at a preschool, slip in a depressing Jethro Tull style ballad to get them all confused. Let them know exactly why the babes on the bus go "wah wah wah."
Assign 63: When a customer calls you complaining about being sent to a collections agency, just laugh at them and say "You got saaacked!"
Assignment 64: Go to a concert for some one hit wonder who's desperately trying to make a comeback, and shout out requests for obscure DEVO songs. If it's DEVO playing, ask them to play something obscure another band plays.
Assignment 65: Go online and buy reservations at some convention you never intend to go to in order to decrease attendance.
Assignment 66: Take a loaded luggage cart and push it at full speed at a pillar in a train station. Make sure it's at crotch level and someone records every magical moment...of pain.
Assignment 67: When a customer asks to be transferred to a department, don't actually do anything. Just put them on hold a long, long time. Bonus if you get back with them twenty or thirty minutes later in order to tease them.
Assignment 68: Three words: High risk aerobics.
Assignment 69: Copy down a website to some external storage device, and put it on a computer that everyone knows to not have the internet on it. Pretend like you're actually using the internet, and when someone asks you how you got the internet on there, make up a really complicated answer that involves doing things that would cause the computer to stop working.
Assignment 70: At a multicultural ethnic festival, buy food from every vendor. Then, when you see an unusually bad performance on stage, pelt them with food from all over the world. Bonus if you call out the country of origin for each item before you throw it.
Assignment 71: Register as an imaginary country at a multicultural ethnic festival, setting up a booth with an "informative" display. Bonus if you participate in events like a fashion show or a dance presentation and give a speech on the cultural assets of your fine fabricated country.
Assignment 72: Go to the front office of every building in a business complex, asking them to use the bathroom. If they let you in, take pictures of the bathroom. If they say no, pee on the side of the building.
Assignment 73: In any recipe that calls for it, substitute baby powder for flour, and Vaseline for cooking oil, butter or lard. Notify the police about your results.
Assignment 74: Take a trip to India and go around bumping random women. Apologize by saying "sari" or "sarong."
Assignment 75: Create "employee engagement" rings for human resources people to "engage" new employees. Wait for the sexual harassment lawsuits to happen.
Assignment 76: Go to Israel and try to buy a vowel.
Assignment 77: Go to an apartment, knocking on everyone's doors. When they open up, ask them if they've seen any trouble around, and if they've had any trouble lately. If questioned, tell them you're the Trouble Inspector.
Assignment 78: Buy a huge office building, then give every single room a pretentious name, even the bathrooms. Is it the Meadowlark, or the Soaring Eagle Bathroom that you took a crap in? Tell your employees it matters to your bottom line!
Assignment 79: Claim Mr. Whiskers as a dependent. Or two dogs.
Assignment 80: You know those triangular flag things they give to veterans' families? Place a hammer next to it, along with a sign reading "(insert your own joke here) break glass."
Assignment 81: Find a sleeping fat woman in short shorts and draw butcher's diagrams all over her legs. When she wakes up, casually ask her which cut would be the juiciest.
Assignment 82: walk around the office randomly spilling coffee on people.
Assignment 83: Kidnap Yoko Ono or one of her descendants and lock them in your bathroom with a drum set. Bonus if you actually decide to try sleeping there.
Assignment 84: Open up a local chapter for the BA, Booger Freaks of America.
Assignment 85: Build a fort with employment rejection letters.
Assignment 86: Sue Philips 66 for using the sound effect of Sonic the Hedgehog grabbing a ring on all their cash registers. Bonus if you also sue CVS for stealing the Pole Position sound from Atari.
Assignment 87: Start up a credit card company, or other financial institution, then mail all your customers slick magazine style advertisements filled with their personal account information.
Assignment 88: Take a marker and play connect the dots with a random Hindu's photo album. Bonus if you can figure out how to do this with a picture full of men.
Assignment 89: On a day that is anywhere close to Halloween, take hundreds of those Blair Witch effigy things and hang them up all over the office at work.
Assignment 90: Call the Elan company and ask them why they are stockpiling materials used to build nuclear weapons in their country, the country of Elan.
Assignment 91: Place a cardboard Big Ben at the corner of every roundabout in the city, and then re-enact that scene from European Vacation.
Assignment 92: Randomly open public restroom doors and shout "Maintenance!"
Assignment 93: At a call center, when you get a caller that sounds like a man, but says their name is Mary or something, say, "You're not fooling anyone, sir. What's your real name?"
Assignment 94: At a call center, if someone interrupts your game of minesweeper or solitaire, tell them you really don't feel like taking their call right now, and ask them if they want to be connected to someone else. Bonus if you explain how you were playing solitaire.
Assignment 95: Get a crappy car and drive it around town trying to get high fives from everyone you pass or see at a stop light.
Assignment 96: When you get in a fight and someone apologizes, tell them "Should shake hands after apology. Useless without shaking hands."
Assignment 97: At the office break room or in the middle of the office, shout "This area is now a bathroom" and just start peeing right there.
Assignment 98: Find a way to get detained for questioning by the police for 24 hours like they do on TV.
Assignment 99: While working at a funeral home, send out some Christmas cards to the family of the deceased. Cards with the name of the deceased on the return address section, and the cemetery as the return address.
Assignment 100: Slip some estrogen into your male boss's coffee, or some testosterone into the female boss's drink, and watch what happens.
Assignment 101: Find out what dog food tastes like.
Assignment 102: Set up your own bowling league populated only by you, teddy bears, mannequins and blow up dolls. Bowl against other teams every Wednesday like a real team.
Assignment 103: Stick Rocky Mountain oysters in the golf ball washer at a mini golf place.
Assignment 104: On a dry day, tell everyone at work it's raining outside, then make thundery noises with your mouth as you visit everybody's cubicle.
Assignment 105: Randomly tell people they're wrong for no other reason than making them upset and angry.
Assignment 106: Edit every movie featuring Helena Bonham Carter so that she says "slide" in scenes where it isn't appropriate.
Assignment 107: Grind up bacon into a fine powder and mix it into your table salt
Assignment 108: Start up a JFK assassination re-enactment troupe. Perform on location in Dallas every year.
Assignment 109: You know that Cheerios promotion where they send your box tops to soldiers in Kuwait? Have fun with it. Send them paranoid, incoherent rants that involve computers controlling our brains from the moon.
Assignment 110: Go two days without food, then give a large, artfully prepared sandwich to the dog.
Assignment 111: Randomly propose to complete strangers on the street. "I know this is a bit sudden..."
Assignment 112: Make a portable news studio inside a mirrored box like they have on the commercials, then insult passerby with phony "breaking news" stories about their appearance.
Assignment 113: You know how everyone thinks rattlesnake tastes just like chicken? Prove it by subjecting strangers to a blind taste test.
Assignment 114: Break into a restricted military base full of armed guards, but don't do anything. Just start dancing.
Assignment 115: Put on a weird, freakish outfit and go to a stranger's open casket funeral. Once there, lean over the coffin, say "Check mate" to the corpse, then leave.
Assignment 116: Wrap up a bunch of Black History books up in gift wrap, then dress up like Santa Claus and pass them out at a Clan meeting.
Assignment 117: Kidnap George Lucas and force him to redo Kingdom of the Crystal skull without that boring ten minute interrogation scene.
Assignment 118: Go to one of those online job application things and upload photographs of your butt instead of a resume.
Assignment 119: Put in your two weeks' resignation notice at work, then ask for a lot of overtime.
Assignment 120: Call a friend at 3 AM before a workday to discuss a book you just read. If they work the night shift, call them during the day.
Assignment 121: This space intentionally left blank.
Assignment 122: Go to the Gatorade company with demands that they produce the Cookie Dough, Mucus, Sweaty Socks and Salmon flavors they joked about in those magazine ads.
Assignment 123: Quit your job, then reapply for the same position at the same company.
Assignment 124: Get a permanent marker and circle all the similarities between the artificial marble wall tiles in a public restroom, connecting them with a line and a caption reading "FAKE".
Assignment 125: Find a way to legitimately use the occupation Dungeon Master on your resume.
Assignment 126 (The ENRON assignment): Go beyond merely practicing job interviews with an imaginary interviewer. Interview and hire imaginary employees, then run an imaginary business for seventeen years, complete with expensive IT/Telephony systems and tons of wasted paper.
Assignment 127: Find all those musicians who sing about being on the road and unable to see their women, and all those women that sing about how they're waiting at home for their men. Bring them together and try to solve the problem.
Assignment 128: Watch a job board until midnight, then throw a huge party when all the dates change.
Assignment 129: Go to a bank dressed in a cowboy hat and a bandit mask, then make a deposit with an evil laugh.
Assignment 130: Find someone doing a job interview and swipe the HR guy's notes while he's not looking.
Assignment 131: Go up to someone who just graduated and start saying a bunch of things that crush their spirit and reduce their (whatever) to the meaningless piece of paper that it is.
Assignment 132: Write long angry letters to every company that ever interviewed but didn't hire you, demanding compensation for the wasted time and fuel.
Assignment 133: At the spa, start singing about peeing in the shower at the top of your lungs.
Assignment 134: Tell random strangers that "you're on their side".
Assignment 135A: Instead of attaching a resume to your professionally written cover letter, attach a picture of a cat. If you're doing it by physical mail, attach bacon.
Assignment 135: Apply for a whole slew of jobs that you are seriously underqualified for. When they humor you with an interview, go there dressed like a hobo and give them the finger.
Assignment 137: Reprogram pornography to inform people about chemistry, geology, trigonometry and calculus. Make them really think about it. In fact, present the viewers with a test, and if they can't pass it, they're not allowed to watch anymore. Include quadratic equations in there somewhere. Bonus if it somehow involves Professor Michio Kaku.
Assignment 138: Manufacture and distribute a special sound machine featuring the "relaxing" sounds of a busy office or a call center.
Assignment 139: Open up a cel phone store inside a cave.
Assignment 140: Take over the Toyota company and make them build nothing but Fords, Mustangs and Chevys. Whenever anyone questions your judgment on this matter, always give them the same answer. "A different type of company. A different type of car." Bonus if you never make cars for the company that slogan belongs to.
Assignment 141: Make sequels to every box office flop, no matter how bad.
Assignment 142: Make sequels to films that cannot logically have a sequel, like Citizen Cane 2.
Assignment 143: Build a terminal onto an existing commercial airport, but use those tiny two man planes instead of commercial jets. If the head honchos don't approve, hide the small planes inside facades that look like commercial jets.
Assignment 144: Instead of driving to a drug testing facility, just hand your boss a mayonnaise jar full of urine. Alternately, hand in a urine sample container full of mayo to the drug testing facility instead of urine. "Yeah, I snort way too many eggs, but never cocaine, so we good, right?"
Assignment 145 (The Carlita Assignment): Hide in the bushes and surprise random passerby with sandwiches.
Assignment 146: If an annoying customer owes something on their account, put in your credit card number and pay the bill for them so they'll shut up.
Assignment 147: Chase someone with OCD around with a smelly bag full of garbage.
Assignment 148: Purchase a Soundbyte auto dialer and use it to make long rambling phone calls to people picked out at random from the phone book. For a bonus, make them harassing phone calls.
Assignment 149: Mix concrete in a bread maker.
Assignment 150: Hold an eulogy for "other stores" wherever you're Christmas shopping, but make it long and inconvenient enough to drive away customers.
Assignment 151: Instead of paying a $100 fine for a moving violation, live as a fugitive from the law, taking up residence somewhere south of the U.S. border.
Assignment 152: Build a terminal on an existing commercial airport containing a line of buses designed to look like huge jet planes. Brag about your unvarying super low prices, no blackout dates, and seating anywhere. Bonus if you still pat them down and do strip searches.
Assignment 153: Boil some water, telling your kids that you're making a gourmet meal and all this different delicious food. Take out the dishes and silverware, pretending to cook, but don't actually make them anything. Just pretend to eat.
Assignment 154: Join the Catholic priesthood, doing whatever it takes to get into a position of authority. Once there, accomplish your main goal for joining: telling the other deacons and officials "What we have here is a failure to excommunicate."
Assignment 155: Go through broadcasting school and all that hard work just so you can get on the local news program and read the lyrics to Frank Zappa's "Recession."
Have you heard the news? Can't afford no shoes.
Assignment 156: Buy an entire airport and decorate it like a nightclub. Dress the security guards like the Village People. Who cares about safety and security?
Assignment 157A: Train a bunch of Parkinson's sufferers to perform open heart surgery on live patients. Make sure you do a lot of yelling during the procedures. For an encore, train the other ones to make explosives.
Assignment 157: Develop a style of martial arts that focuses on hitting people while putting on or removing clothes.
Assignment 158: Become a burglar, but only rob houses belonging Marines or police officers.
Assignment 159: Try out that new powdered drink called "mozzarella". It's on the shelf next to the spaghetti sauce. Pour in water and drink it like Kool-Aid.
Assignment 160: Find a janitor with one of those strap on vacuum cleaners and follow him around with a stereo playing the Ghostbusters theme song. Bonus if you wear a gorilla suit while doing this.
Assignment 161: Wear a leather gimp suit to work. When the boss asks you what the hell you were thinking, tell him you just woke up and drove to work and you didn't have time to change, or "It's complicated."
Assignment 162: Find a restaurant or other business that has folded and buy the property for personal use as a home.
Assignment 163: Join the fraud team at a reputable company, then answer the customer with statements like, "Yes, we commit fraud," or "If you want fraud, you've come to the right place."
Assignment 164: Break into someone's house at three in the morning to cook the home owner breakfast.
Assignment 165: While working at a collections job, after giving the required scripting, instead of asking for payments the normal way, ask the customer, "Whatcha puttin' down?" And when they say they can't pay you, respond with "Why you frontin'?"
Assignment 166: Plant Ipods in hidden locations all over an Amish community.
Assignment 167: Buy an office or restaurant property and let it decay. Neglect paying the utilities, and let the bathrooms become messy and disgusting.
Assignment 168: When dealing with a hard of hearing customer, every time they say they don't understand what you just said, tell them something crazy.
Assignment 169: Go to the graves of deceased Golden Girls cast members and surround them with things of modern popular culture.
Assignment 170: Buy a commercial office property and use it for bizarre, unprofitable purposes.
Assignment 171: Take time every day, once every hour, to open up the front door and scream "Hey! Shut up!" at nobody in particular, and then slam the door shut.
Assignment 172: Intentionally write a five hundred page novel that is a "milkgirl's tale with a dull, didactic flavor".
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