Seven Years

Seven Years by Lilly Rose Blossom at Fanfiction.net

There's nothing more boring to me than a cute baby story, and this is basically what this particular piece boils down to. I've seen cute babies, and seen one grow up in my house, and I know for a fact that they can become obnoxious quickly.
While the author does establish that it cries and disrupts lessons, the plot of the first few paragraphs lack real dramatic conflict. Netyri is allowed to bring the baby in, and they squeeze it.
Furthermore, they're in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. Why does there have to be a rule about no babies in class? Shouldn't it be a case-by-case judgment, like "You can bring it in if you can get it to shut up while I'm teaching" or something?
As I read down further, I saw that Grace ended the class and told her this very thing, but the excessive formality seems ridiculous in this situation.
When the sky people showed up, I finally got a sense of dramatic conflict, which is a shame because the author could have explored the tensions between Neytiri and Grace a bit further and had a bit more verbal swordplay or something.
As I read through the story, I realized that Jake was not listed as Neytiri's mate (or the baby's father), which I found nicely unique, but someone else who ends up getting killed, so I awarded a kudos for that.
At the end, Tsu tey rescues her baby, and I can see where this is going. Well, except for the baby. Maybe she has an abortion before Jake arrives? Not sure.

Weird Parts

"They were soon followed by some angry Sky People. Panic filled the room when they entered. Neytiri started to run out, but turned back to see Sylwanin being held at gunpoint, the tears intensely falling from her face.
BOOM!
The next thing Neytiri knew: she was staring at her sister dead on the floor. Other gunshots were fired as Neytiri ran for precious life with 'Ok while having the tears fall from her face."


I think the repitition of the phrase "tears falling from her face" ruined the pathos we could have felt for Neytiri. Varying the crying line in second paragraph would help immensely.

Cheesey Story Checklist

Each item on this list earns a story 1 Cheese Point. Earning the maximum amount of Cheese Points will earn you the Golden Wedge! (Note: Additional points can be added only when the scene changes. Also, WTF points do not count for a trophy, but may be considered criminal evidence in some states)

Award one point for parental warning plot spoiler [Click For Explanation]:
0
Award one point for Copyright Spoiler [Click For Explanation]:
0
*Award one point for Lazy Narrator Intro. [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Yagermeister Influenced Intro. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Title Cheese. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Joe Is In A Room. (Bonus for Afterthought) [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for No Return:[Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for POV Potpourri: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Quick Release: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Flawless: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Flawless Beyond Logic: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Invincible Ego: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Villains: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Law: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Canon: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Overkill: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Straw Soldiers: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Red Shirt Deaths: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Herocentric Universe: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Can't Take a Joke: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: "Love Story" Tagline: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Planning For Yawns: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Magic on Demand: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Slightly Wounded Hero: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Know It All: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for "This Looks Neat". [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Fandom Style Manual. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for See Fandom Glossary. [Click For Explanation]
2
*One point for Redundantly Redundant. [Click For Explanation]
3
*One point for CTRL+V. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Pretty Nice. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mega Recap. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Doctor Standards. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Info Dumptruck. [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for "What do you mean, `Fire is hot'"? [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Fill Dirt Dumping [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Rererecap [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for MSDS Unabridged [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Conversational Sow's Ear: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Always The Right Shoulder: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mary Sue: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Wish Fulfillment: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Everybody Loves Me: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mary Sue: Category: I'm So Sorry: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Canon: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Gee, Thanks Narrator: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for The J.K. Rowling: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for However, He Also Had A Gun: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Harlequin Romance: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Doctor Strangelove Dialog: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Patching: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Angry Lesbian Breasts: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Character Non-Descriptions: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Refer To Previous Description: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Refer To Movie: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for Concept Salad: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point for It's Lucky That: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Excessive Homage: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Temporal Salad: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One Point for That's Why I Prefer Amiga: [Click For Explanation]
0
*King Trite-On: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Raping the Fourth Wall: [Click For Explanation]
0
*The Space Bus: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Surfer Novelist: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Don't Think of An Elephant: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Step 1: He Got In The Car: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Hmm, I wonder what Rosebud Is: [Click For Explanation]
0
*He Is Because I Said He Is [Click For Explanation]
0
*"Translation: Where's The Beef?" [Click For Explanation]
0
*Unsolicited Detailing [Click For Explanation]
0
*Scene Shifting Without Clutch [Click For Explanation]
0
*You Wore It Out: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Adam West Narrative: [Click For Explanation]
0
*The Rabbit's Waistcoat: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Character Disassociation: [Click For Explanation]
0
*MEANWHILE... [Click For Explanation]
0
*Michael Gondry prose: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Textbook Hero: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Cookie Monster Style Manual: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Oh, I Forgot He's Naked: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Fakedreaming: [Click For Explanation]
0
*"In English, "Tree" Means Tree": [Click For Explanation]
0
*CUT TO: CHAPTER 2, PARAGRAPH 1 [Click For Explanation]
0
*Target Audience Yo-Yo [Click For Explanation]
0
*Shirley, You Can't Be Serious: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Name Overlap Confusion: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Moviephone Prose: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Shaggy Dog Ending: [Click For Explanation]
0
*A Word From Our Sponsors: [Click For Explanation]
0
*I'm Bored: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Retief Dialog: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Pranks For Those With No Friends: [Click For Explanation]
0
*It All Depends on Jarjar: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Archie Bunker Dad: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Pancake Villain: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Present Progressive Abuse: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Attention Defecit Prose: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Peeping Tom Universe: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Mr. Tree Monkey's Ulcer: [Click For Explanation]
1
*My Little Pony's Dark Secret: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Grandpa Skywalker's Story Time: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Inappropriate Punctuation and/or Shortcut Symbols: [Click For Explanation]
0
*One point if the author describes actions with vague adverbs such as "sensually" or "brutally":
0
*Award one point for overly long uninterrupted Q&A session/info dump:
0
*Award one point if characters get into a long, drawn out argument/debate over a plot hole:
0
*One point for POV Spoiler where the disorganized POV of the story lead to the author giving away the plot:
0
Award one point for unprofessional use of numbers such as "he looked up and saw 2 men enter the room."
0
*One point for "Time (seemed to) stand still as..."
0
*One point for "As if on cue..."
0
*One point for unnecessary recap of events the reader has read.
0
*One point for over-explaining the self explanatory, or the obvious:
0
*One point for rewording an old adage to fit a new type of character/species/whatever, such as "A bird in claw is worth two in the bush."
0
*One point for trite expressions made literal, such as finding a drum, and a door nearby that is literally tighter.
0
*One point if it contains movie cliches:
0
*One point for pseudoscience Squared (The Twilight Effect):
0
*One point for excessive profanity that dulls the impact of profanity in the story:
0
*One point if the author kills a joke, pun or metaphor, or fails to understand the concept of a metaphor:
0
*One point for any bad puns:
0
*One point if there's an anticlimax:
0
*One point for a Mary Shelly ("I made my creation large so it would be easier to work on.")
0
*One point for Sex=1, Science=0:
0
*One point if alien biology is ninety to one hundred percent identical to earth biology:
0
*One point if popular song lyrics are quoted extensively:
0
*One point for character interactions and dialog in a description-less vacuum:
0
*Award one point for too many "saids".
0
*Award one point for any situation resembling the Kobiashi Muru:
0
*Award one point for American English names being used on all spaceships:
0
*Award one point for inertial dampers that don't work when the ship is attacked or hit by asteroids:
0
*Reader excluded from inside jokes:
0
*One point for the Christopher Walken (unconnected dialog):
0
*Extremely pointless mundane details:
0
*Award one point for He-Man nomenclature ("Get into the SkySled, Ram Man!):
0
*Turn based combat and/or any video game-like battle sequences:
0
*Pointless excursion into segment involving irrelevant side character or characters:
0
*A word is broken into two words when it isn't supposed to be:
0
*One point for recipe analogies. Example: "Add one part scumbag, one part moron, one part scientist, and you get Jeff."
0
*Award one point for inappropriate transition into action. Example: "He was a slim, muscular fellow, with raspberry hair and glistening white teeth, shoveling manure out of a barn with a pitchfork."
0
*First person narrative begins with something like, "You know, doctors say it's healthy for you to keep a diary..."
0
*Technobabble:
0
*Award one point for generic scenery descriptions:
0
*Award one point for narrator referencing unknown character not featured in story:
0
*Award one point for a character verbally finishing the narrator's thought, breaking the suspension of disbelief:
0
*Award one point for a Harry Potter millionaire (i.e. parents die and boy gets unlimited wealth, etc.)
0
*Award one point for characters doing exactly what is described in their elaborate plans, with no kinks in its execution:
0
*Award one point for adding a "you've got mail" to the dialog:
0
*"Dark as midnight", or anything "raven" in their description that isn't a raven:
0
*Award one point for vaguely defined setting, where you're not really sure what country or planet it is:
0
*Award one point for details about a character's employment (or lack thereof) as an afterthought:
0
*Use of the non-word "furred", or human equivalent such as "socked foot":
0
*Accidental use of popular quotes, such as "more than meets the eye" or "knowing is half the battle":
0
*"May you live in interesting times":
0
*"These aren't the droids you are looking for":
0
*"Nobody puts baby in the corner":
0
*"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
0
*The guy who kills the thing or person trying to kill you is always a person you can trust:
0
*Award one point for a slapped on ending that really doesn't end the story.
0
*Award one point if the characters can hear capitalization in spoken words:
0
*Award one point if a figure of speech clashes with another identical sounding part of the sentence in a way that distracts from the reading, such as, "My relatives are strange, relatively speaking" and it's not done for humorous reasons:
0
*Award one point for referencing a popular internet meme (such as "I can has cheezburger") in the prose narrative:
0
*Award one point for inappropriate capitalization:
0
*Hero looks himself in the mirror or something else and reader gets description dump:
0
*Puberty gives you magic powers:
0
*Conflict resolution via info dump (narrator says it's solved and it is):
0
*Size 14 description in size 5 shoe:
0
*Canon character recounts his/her adventures that we already saw in a movie:
0
*Award one point for Yagermeister Influenced Conclusion:
0
*The Military Has Gone Soft:
0
*"Note To Self: Remove author's notes from story":
0
*Simulations prepare you for everything:
0
*Inappropriately/untimely sexual moment:
0
*Instant Pregnancy (And they just had sex an hour ago):
0
*Plot sketching instead of actual story:
0
*Freudian slip count:
0
*Grammatical error count (a point for each one):
0
*Typo Count (a point for each glaringly obvious typo):
0
*Racial/cultural stereotypes:
0
*Saccharine tablet (gooey sweet paragraph) count:
1
Subtotal: 7

Avatar related cheese (1/2 a point for each with subtotal):
*"Million dollar Avatar clones must look exactly like the pilot, and fit the pilot only, so that if he dies nobody else can use it" (Also counts as 1/2 a Mary Shelly point):
0
*Nobody needs Avatar training (they can always pass the tests with flying colors and impress everyone):
0
*Dances with Wolves/White Man's Burden (White man shows the alien/Indian how things are done, like they're stupid or something). Award a bonus point if the Na'vi are described as being more than a little retarded, at the point of basically wetting themselves if the humans don't tell them how to use the bathroom:
0
*Arrow=Gun (award a bonus point if the character can fire arrows like a machine gun using only a regular bow):
0
*ICU:
1/2
*Character new to the planet picks up the ways of the Na'vi in such a way that astonishes them and/or is so flawless that it stretches credibility:
0
*Billion dollar Avatar being used for pointless purpose:
0
*"That rich, cool flavor you get with each light" (pro smoking):
0
*The hero of the story regurgitates homogenized entertainment media (TV shows, Disney films, etc.) during Na'vi story time. Award a bonus point if the audience listens with rapt attention without any mention of the "storyteller" maybe having any sort of difficulty explaining things like cars, knights, dragons, castles, etc. Alternately, award a bonus point if they sing an English song or tell an English story and fail to translate it into the alien language:
0
*Na'vi culture consists of nothing but Tsahaylu, stories and hunting:
0
*Good guys always worship Eywa:
0
*No good guy ever fails initiation and/or gets barred from joining the tribe:
0
*Everybody gets an Ikran:
0
*Someone rides a Direhorse and falls in the mud:
0
*Everybody gets a woman from the tribe (award a bonus point if the men stil fight each other for one woman, especially if the author describes the tribe as having more women than men due to war):
0
*Award a half point if any character argues that a non-canon character should be admitted into the tribe on the basis that they already let all the canon characters into the tribe already. In other words, "Since the barn door has been left open and some horses have already escaped, let's let a few more out."
0
*Heavy handed environmentalist messages where the hero practically weeps over every dead ant and broken twig (bonus point if this is literally the case):
0
*"Primitive tribal medicine is just as good as the treatment you can get in a modern hospital."
0
*"Getting rid of earthlings/humans will solve all our problems."
0
*The hero gives Jake Sully knowing winks about his sex life (or an equivalent reaction):
0
*Number of times the word "bioluminescent" is used in the story:
0
*Nobody thinks abandoning their human body forever is a bad idea:
0
*"There's always another hometree":
0
*"By Etiwah!" (Human narrator/hero swearing by Etiwah):
0
*Drama ensues as hero/heroine tries to convince angry Na'vi that only RTF guys are bad:
0
*"I'm not evil like those other non-pagan humans are:"
0
Avatar Subtotal: 1/2
Unclassified Cheese Bonus (Described in review or "Weird Parts:" section): 0
Subtotal: 7&1/2
Kudos
*"Caught In A Plot Web" [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one kudos if the character is introduced before their name is used in the story.
0
*Kudos for breaking away from canon (fanfiction only):
-1
*Author subtly sets up plot elements that fit together in an unexpected climax:
0
*Author gets away with bad writing mechanics due to captivating story:
0
*Shaman stabs hero with a bone and drinks their blood:
0
*Misc Kudos: 0
Total Kudos Deduction: -1
OVERALL CHEESE SCORE: 6&1/2
WTF: 0
Sleaze-O-Meter (One for every scene and/or dialog goes beyond the pale in trashiness): 0
Unintentional Irony: