Avatar Held Back

Avatar Held Back by MaD.HaTTeR.Le'MeI at Fanfiction.net

Judging from the first few paragraphs, I think the author was holding back on his English skills. Either that, or he should have held back on his drinking binges.
In other words: If you like stream of consciousness novels, you'll love this!
The author has haphazardly tossed a ton of great ideas down on this patch of virtual canvas, Jackson Pollock style, in a way that is both ambitious and unreadable.
If the author is not a native English speaker, I can excuse a lot of this, but otherwise I can only wonder how creative writing classes at the retarded folks' home managed to make its way onto the internet.
This story is so bad that I can't even draw and listen to the text reader, I'm too busy adding up points for the next writing problem I've run across. Every single line is a goldmine of grade-A literary cheese. Instead of grading this, I'm just going to give it an honorary cheese master award and present some of the cheesiest sections for your perusal.
I was hoping the author received some writing help on chapter 2, but it turned out to be just as bad. The hero breaks out from his prison, and I got no sense of geography.
The hero gets captured by the Na'vi, but other than that, I really didn't understand what the hell was going on.
The part about the hero's prolemuris friend had some good pathos to it. The author managed to establish this character, and its friendship with the hero, so the death scene was actually effective.

In Chapter 4, the author attempts to break away from the first person POV to tell the story from the girl's perspective. It works...okay, I guess.
When I got to Chapter 6, it was like I was reading a completely different author. It was great. I liked how the author described the hero climbing up into the floating rocks and wrestling the monster Ikran in a cave, instead of what the movie had. I also liked the mental exchange that took place. It reminded me a lot of Eragon, a story which James Cameron partly ripped off when he made the thing. Even though this was a cliche, the hero again taming some untamable beast that symbolized tribal messiahship, it worked well.
What didn't work well was the fact that the mighty albino Ikran didn't care that the hero was bragging about taming him. You'd think if the whole tribe gathered around and started breaking their arms patting the hero on the back, the Ikran would get indignant and start kicking the hero's ass. Oh well, maybe he doesn't understand English or something.
I don't understand chapter 8. It seems to be disconnected to chapter 7, but I already knew the author tended to skip things. The whole chapter didn't make any sense, really.
Chapter 9 can be summarized in just a few sentences: The hero's mate is going to have a baby, the werewolf is someone's mate, and someone ought to do something about the werewolf.
On the whole, the werewolf bit seemed pointless. The werewolf wasn't cured, and then the baby was delivered, and that was it. I assume more will be written, but I'm not sure I'd revisit. The writer seems to have developed some writing skills later on in the story (or maybe coherence?), and it ruined the appeal of the embarrassingly bad prose at the start of this mess.

Weird Parts

"Disclaimer: I don't own avatar wish I did because the movie is beast."

Hmmm...I thought this movie was called "Avatar", not "beast". Already I can tell this story is going to be a winner.


""Do you like this animal or this one?" She asked me pointing to each picture on the screen. The first one was a picture of a prolemuris and the other one I couldn't tell what it was, it was all weird and mutilated looking."

Wow. That must be a bad animal. I can't even imagine what kind of alien that "weird and mutilated" thing is supposed to be.

"My mother and father agreed to let me go. I was a ten year old boy going to Pandora every kid's dream and yet nightmare from the stories about the Na'vi. When we arrived in the pandoran sector I was seventeen since the trip seven years, it felt like seven minutes to me. It to what seemed like ages to a excited teen to reach the planet's surface. I was hurled an oxygen mask by a military jerk on the shuttle.
"Move, move, move kid or I'll beat it in you." This guy was full of it in my eyes. I ran as fast as I could into the base up ahead. Dr Augustine was behind the doors waiting for me."

Okay, so we not only skipped the six year space journey or whatever (which is excusable), but we also skip everything else, like geography, people and interceding objects, and have him run straight into Dr. Augustine's arms.

"Before I could speak the needle was in my arm and the clear vile slowly emptied the liquid. "How will it help?" I said rubbing my arm. "You'll mutate but you won't be sick anymore."

WTF? Gee, that's medical!

"Weleftthe room and went to the cafeteria for diner. I shoved my food down not wasting a crumb. I was sent to a room large enough for a giraffe to stand in with a super long bed in it. I didn't bother to question why everything was so big I just flopped in the bed and went to sleep. When I awoke the next day I felt weird, this sparked my excitement.
I looked at my hand they were huge and greenish blue colored with yellow green strips that faded in. All of my body was that color. I threw the covers off and looked at my feet. They seemed the same but I had to look twice. I had opposable thumbs on both feet like a lemur or monkey did."

"YAAAY! I'M INHUMAN!"

"I felt something on my back, it seemed like a tail but it wasn't. I pulled it from behind my head and saw hair at the end of it. Tentacle like things wiggled out as I parted the hair clump. I stared at it and was about to touch it when DR Augustine walked in.
"Don't play with that you'll go blind." She said with a grin."

AHA! So that's how they masturbate!

""Wow Dr Augustine did you shrink?" I asked squatting and bending over to just barley look over her head."

"Yes!" she said, HOPping across the room. "What, did you just BEERly notice?"

"I stood up straight against the wall. "13ft and 6 inches." I said out loud turning to Dr Augustine.
"Impressive you're taller than a Na'vi." She said.
I awoke out of my day dreaming of the past. "I need to get out of here." I thought out loud. I crawled to the door pulling and pulling it finally broke after hours of meaningless struggle."

Let's just say that the "transition needs work."

"I took in a good amount of fresh air before exhaling in relief. "I'm finally free." I thought to myself. I didn't brother to look for anyone I ran to the garden and grabbed some fruit. They never tasted so good, I scarfed them down pausing every so often to breathe. I wiped my mouth and ran towards the fence. I leaped on the thick metal bars and began to scale it with ease after all I am part lemur slash Na'vi. As I reached the other side I gazed at the forest. Awing in my mind at the trees and the other wondrous plants around me.
"Wait!" I said.
I turned around looking at the fence. "

I don't get it. The hero tells himself to wait...why?

"What seemed like a piece of rope wrapped around my ankles tight.
I pulled it off quickly, my heart racing, before I could get up the Na'vi surrounded me on their pali. I looked at them a slight hiss left my throat as I slightly moved my legs. They pointed their arrows at me I knew then this was it I would die here. I stood slowly, their eyes followed me the whole way up. They glared me down not even squinting when I sneezed. One came behind me and took the pole out of my hand abruptly. I turned to face him but had to slightly look down, I bared my fangs in protest to his rudeness. Another grabbed what I called my head tail and pulled my head back. Restraining me he pushed me to move forward. I walked only seeing what was above me and to the side of me. I could hear some prolemuris in the trees, I looked for them "Maybe Aliu was out there." I thought trying not to fidget in the Na'vi's grip. I figured they knew I was one of them since one grabbed my head tail.
"This is the prolemuris your DNA was mixed with." Dr. Augustine said to me.
I watched as the lemur swung on the monkey bars in her large enclosure. "She will be released back into the wild soon, you should thank her for bettering your life and the Na'vi." Dr. Augustine insisted. I nodded in agreement."

How the hell did we get to the prolemuris thing? This is barely coherent. William S. Burroughs would be proud.

""Can I go in and see her?" I asked her, she thought for a while before giving me a straight answer. "I don't know." She said. "

And why is that "straight"?

"" Ok then can I at least give her a name?" I asked still looking at the lemur. The lemur soon noticed me, trying to tell whether I was one of her kind or a Na'vi. "Ok you could give her a name." Dr. Augustine said. I observed the lemur closely watching everything she did. "Aliu… I think I'll name her Aliu." I said looking down at Dr. Augustine. " That is an amazing name, almost sounds like a Na'vian name." She said smiling up at me."

Yeah. That sure is amazing. It's not like anyone can just go up to a monkey and say "I'll call you abububu" or anything.

"Large arced rocks hung over the ground like giant bridges. "Wow they almost look like the golden arc for Mc Donald's.""

Never write on an empty stomach.

"I soon saw more Na'vi coming into view. They were all near a large glowing tree. I didn't know what to make of it I had never seen a tree like this one before. I continued to gaze at the tree, but still I could feel hundreds of eyes looking at me, voices rang in my ears. I saw three Na'vi at the trees base. One seemed to be an Avatar since he had five fingers instead of four. I was placed in front of them like the defendant before the judge. Everyone looked at me like I was a freak, I felt some one pull my tail which made a low growl erupt as I stood there. "

All of this is cheese-tastic, but the mysterious growl that doesn't seem to come from the hero is the most bizarre portion.

""My friend was killed." I said to her. "My name called Alei'u." She said placing her hand on her chest. Her name shocked me, she almost had the same name I had give my lemur friend.
"Alei'u." I repeated. "Yes, Alei'u" she said with a smile. "You called." She said. "

This is a neat idea, but the execution didn't work. I think if Grace had actually scrunched up her face and looked in a Na'vi dictionary for the name he gave the prolemuris, and it turned out to be a mystical name, it would make more sense to have this parallel.

""Do not be sad Aja, I here for you." She said griping my arm in her hands."

"And then she complained my face tenderly and kissed me."

""I stay with you." She said " Tomorrow you learn." She laid down next to me not uttering another word. "

AT LAST! A true translation of Na'vi speech! No, it's not going to sound like Shakespeare, it's going to sound like the pidgin we see above! I am being completely serious when I say that this is how Na'vi speech should be translated.

"Alei'u grabbed my hand and pulled me to come on. I was led through a crowd of Na'vi, a group of younger Na'vi glared at me. Alei'u glared back and flashed her teeth at them. "There are only three of them….I can take them." I thought to myself as we walked past. They soon left into the crowd, I have to say the loin cloth is very uncomfortable. We soon stopped at the edge of the forest."

1. The Na'vi glare at him. 2. Loincloths are uncomfortable. WTF?

""Come, stop day dreaming." She said to me grabbing my wrist leading me to another group of young Na'vi. They looked really familiar, then it clicked they were the ones who glared at me earlier."

Short term memory amnesia. LOL.

"He pulled his knife from the sheath and slashed it at me. I narrowly missed the full blow receiving a sizable cut. "

How do you "miss a blow" if you get a sizable cut?

""Aja!" Alei'u screamed yanking and clawing to get to me. Her voice distracted me, Tahe'ai noticed and his knife grazed my chest. I gasped in pain and held my wound and continued to dodge the knife and its angry wielder. "Aja!" Alei'u screamed again and kicked Ixke between his legs making him drop like a rock. "

This reminds me of those scenes from Scary Movie where the girl "screams in horror" while beating her attacker to a pulp.

""Time to use my lemur skills or die trying." I thought to myself still ducking and weaving."

That's as impressive as saying "it's time to use my three toed sloth powers!"

"It was like slow motion as the blade went past my face, a spider man moment at the least."

What does Spidy have to do with this?

"All the stars sparkled like the fizz in pop when light shines in it."

I'll be laying awake in bed all night wondering what the hell this means.

"I just came to see if you were ok." She said, I looked at her up and down. Her body was saying something else. "You sure you're ok?" I asked her moving closer to her. She only nodded in reply, something was wrong. "Ummm thank you for standing up for me today." I said to her looking at the wall. Alei'u smiled, "Your welcome…anything for a friend." She said grabbing my hand and patting it. I just smiled, my tail flicked up as my face blushed purple. Alei'u giggled putting her hand over her mouth. "Alei'u is attractive but she might like someone else since she called me a friend, I can handle that at least I have a friend now." I thought to myself. "

The author says that there's "something wrong", but then he describes her only being in love with him or something. Is that the "wrong" part? I'm confused.

"Alei'u began to get up and walk to the exist."

Yes, but if Aleiu falls in the forest, does she make a sound?

""The one who will be your mate is your choice, reject or accept are what you must do." A Na'vi woman said to her daughter. The young Na'vi girl smiled joyfully at her mother. An echo of gunshots ripped through the air hitting trees and the ground around them. The Na'vi woman shuttered violently before falling before her daughter. The young Na'vi was led away by nearby clan members crying and screaming as they ran from the skypeople."

Wow. That's brutal. I guess she's not smiling joyfully anymore!

""Deep breath, strong breath." I said to him putting my hand on my chest taking in air. I put my hand on his chest and monitored his breathing. I could feel his heart beat as my hand laid on his skin. Embarrassed I withdrew my hand quickly and let him release his arrow and lungs."

I guess this is supposed to be romantic, but language like "monitored his breathing" brings only clinical imagery to the reader's mind. I half expected her to check his tonsils and prostate while she's at it. Also, that last sentence is so horribly written that I have been rendered unable to provide further comment upon it.

""Yes, you must practice…you don't want to die by Tahe'ai's hand do you?" I said to him as I walked by him. "Here to make it fun I will hunt you….you will have to fight me to stay alive." I said to him, "Go on I'll give a head start.""

"Let's play a fun little game! It's called `Run away while I try to kill you'!"

"He smiled and pressed his lips against mine, this surprised me. He retreated his lips to my shocked face,"

Hmmm...I'm not sure that's how you're supposed to use the word "retreat" in this scenario.

""What was that?" I asked lightly touching my lips. "A kiss...its the human way of saying I love you." He said grabbing my hand.
...
I looked at her and smiled, she pressed her lips against mine as I had taught her."

Nerd romance. Seriously, if the aliens have lips, wouldn't they have figured this one out by now?

""No fair, you have a mate and I don't." Sun'gi said hanging her head."Cheer up you'll find a mate...eventually." I said receivinga glare from her. "I could be your mate!" Ixke said excitedly,"

Lesbian Na'vi?

"We came up to the start of the mountains base. The ledges were steep and filled with rocks and vines attaching the floating mountains together."

Wow. Sounds completely unstable. Might as well hold them together with tape and chewing gum!

""Go seal the bond...fly, fly!" Sun'gi said forcing me on the large ikran, Zion leaped off the ledge effortlessly. I felt the adrenalin pumping through my body as we free fell through the sky. I had to snap out of it so we wouldn't fall to our death."

Um, author? Adrenalin increases your responsiveness and physical strength. Plus the character is hurtling toward the ground. There's not much room for daydreaming when one wrong move can throw you to your death.
Also...I can't help but wonder if the Ikran is Jewish...or very religious.

""The great Tirol!" Neytiri said covering her mouth, the people surrounded me and kept the eyes on Zion."

"As they should be. May our hearts be there also!...What's an Ikran?"

""My Aja…. I am with a child." she said to me. I almost chocked, I couldn't believe it, I was going to be a dad already. "You mean your pregnant?" I asked her even though I already knew she said she was. "What is pregnant?" She asked me softly rubbing Ja'woks head. "Pregnant is when you have a baby inside you." I explained. "Yes I have a baby inside me.""

First they don't know how to kiss, then they don't know what pregnant is. What's next? Nobody knows how to tell lies there?

"I was going to be a dad and I kind of figured this would happen but not so soon since I'm only seventeen."

If this is a Mary Sue story, I suppose this explains the writing quality. But I also take issue with the kid being so young. I mean, it takes, what, six years to get there? I love when stories break away from canon, but I have some difficulty believing that a seventeen year old could make it to an alien planet on his own without a parent or guardian putting him up to it.

"I surrendered to the darkness and sleepiness consumed me.
When I awoke in the morning I noticed I was alone, "Crap I over slept."
...
I was the first to wake up for a change, I softly nudged Alei'u to wake her, kissing her eye as she slowly opened them. "You woke up on time, this time." she said with a sly grin on her face. I lifted and eye brow before smiling at her. "What are you trying to say huh…" I said moving in closer to her, "Nothing you just didn't over sleep that's all…."

This is exactly why I came up with the cheese category "Mr. Tree Monkey's Ulcer." The guy is in some primitive society in the middle of nowhere. No one gives a crap when he wakes up, just as long as he gets food and water from the well every day. So there's no such thing as oversleeping!

"I rushed toward Zion who met me half way and we were off after Ixke and Sun'gi.
"Good morning to you too." Zion said to me, "Oh sorry buddy good morning…its just a lot is on my mind."

Talking telepathically should be easier than talking with your mouth. So really, linking minds would be a good enough hello between the two if they're used to one another. And then the thoughts would flow freely anyway.

""Aja I need to talk to you and Alei'u on an important matter." Mo'at said appearing out of no where, she scared me some times just popping up in places unknown until she spoke. I looked at Neytiri and Jake looking for an answer, Neytiri just nudged me forward as she and Jake just followed me as I followed Mo'at. I stood close to Alei'u holding her hand as we waited for Mo'at to speak.
"The clan leader of the pa'li plains lost his son in an accident and has no heir to carry on after he dies…Aja you must go to the Pa'li clan and become that heir. It is eywa's will that you do so." Mo'at said."

I wonder what kind of heir this would really be, considering how the hero is supposed to be a green monkey thing, not a Na'vi.

"Alei'u looked at me saddened at this but still slightly fine with it. "So we have to leave the Omaticaya." I said unsure if I really wanted to do that. "Yes, the future of the Pa'li clan depends on it." Mo'at said to me, "You must begin your journey at the next sun rise." This made me super uneasy, I had to leave the next day wow was it that upsetting.
I stared at the wall for a few seconds before Alei'u approached me a tear running down her face. She sat in my lap and curled up against me crying even more. This was her home, I felt terrible that we had to leave this place behind and start a new life. Felt like we were getting kicked out or something."

Why is it that people always want to carry out bad ideas as quickly as possible?

"I looked up when Ixke and Sun'gi stood at the cave entrance. "We're coming with you." Sun'gi said grinning at me, "We heard and decided it was only fair that we come along, besides I wanted to explore." Ixke said, Alei'u stopped crying a little smiling at Ixke and Sun'gi. "You sure about coming with us?" I asked, "Yes, and if you embarrass me there I'll kick your ass up and down the plains." Sun'gi said balling her hand up at me. I smiled nervously but felt a little at easy, knowing Ixke and Sun'gi would be with us."

Having the entire clan follow the hero to the other clan totally defeats the purpose of...whatever this is they're doing.

"As I laid there I could hear Ixke and Sun'gi talking, I didn't realized they stayed in our cave. "Sun'gi can I ask you something?" Ixke asked her, "What is it Ixke?" She said. "Why wont you let me love you?" Ixke asked her moving closer to her. Sun'gi didn't know what to say, this was the first time she didn't say any thing. "I don't know Ixke…I…" Ixke cut her off kissing her on the lips like I told him to do but he never had the courage to do it until now."

I'm totally lost now. I can't tell if this is straight or lesbian kissing I'm reading about here. At any rate, I'm pretty sure a few of the pronouns are incorrect.

""Sun'gi and Ixke double teamed me pounding the crap out of me playfully of course. "Ok….I'm sorry, mercy….mercy." I said still laughing as I tried to cover my arm and chest from their on going punches.
"Ok…. I think I'm done now…oh wait Sun'gi…. Did you moan loud or soft…..pahahaha!" I was impaled again before they tired out. "

Impaled? Did they run a spear through him or something?

""Was that a werewolf? What was it doing here?" I laid there in thought. I felt a great deal of relief as Ja'wok stepped in and saved Alei'u from being killed. I watched as it ran off before slowly sitting up. I quickly crawled over to Alei'u, the terrified look on her face angered me. She buried her face in my neck, tears streaming down her light blue skin. "

I'm almost 100% certain that I didn't skip a chapter. I think the author just had an ADD moment and skipped over an important plot explaining why they're recovering from a werewolf attack, and where the werewolf came from.

""What is a werewolf?… Another earth creature?" Sun'gi asked. "Yeah, their a cross between a man and a wolf… but this one is different, it was larger than the ones on earth…most likely it was a hybrid like me but with werewolf DNA mixed in it. Werewolves need the moon to change… and unfortunately this planet is a moon. So who ever the werewolf is can't change back or control their actions." "

Awesome idea, but the execution needs work. Also, I'm pretty sure "werewolves on the moon" is a trope somebody did before.

"I stayed crouched on the branch next to Sylwanin, looking over the dense juggle for the werewolf she claimed was her mate."

"It turned out to be easier than I thought. We only had to follow the trail of flying bowling pins, knives, and blazing torches."

"Sylwanin ran up to the vile quickly grabbing it but felt cold air before to her it felt like a startled pa'li kicking her in the side.
She winced in pain laying on the ground with large gashes on her arm and side. Her breathing was heavy from what I could tell."

When I first read this, I thought it was going to be an interesting plot development like `She's fighting a werewolf, but, well, you can't predict when your water will break."

"I looked back from where I had came and worried a little but then stopped worrying for the two. I soon remembering that Riley guy was a werewolf and I doubted that anything would touch Sylwanin while he was there. "

1. Sylwanin is his mate, so he probably will touch her. Oh. You meant violence, right?
2. He's a werewolf. You know how they always chain themselves up to avoid hurting the ones they love? Again, how is he not going to touch her in the violent way?

""Ok… the baby has been restless lately since you left…." She said before kissing me back, her eyes widened as she quickly looked down seeing water coming from between her legs."

"...But it was a false alarm. She just had to pee really bad."

"I poked my head in and smiled as I saw Alei'u holding the twins. "My Aja we have a tutean and tute…"

It seems a little pretentious to declare your children tribal leaders before they can even walk. Oh. I guess that's not what those made up words mean.

"I slowly walked over to her and sat down behind her, she kissed my cheek softly. "Tirey and Kame….." I smiled kissing both their heads."

That's pretty much as bad as the child naming scene in that last new Star Wars movie.

"I slowly walked over to her and sat down behind her, she kissed my cheek softly. "Tirey and Kame….." I smiled kissing both their heads.
I smiled seeing them move in the direction of the touch. "Their beautiful…." I whispered kissing her cheek back. Alei'u held them both close nuzzling them both softly, Tirey nuzzling back in his sleep. Kame yawning cutely and opening her green orbs to look at her surroundings.
I and Alei'u smiled at her as she then looked at us, giggling happily as she smiled back. "She's just like you….." I smiled with a soft chuckle. Alei'u blushed softly when I said this, leaning into me. "

Way to abuse adverbs, author!