An Affinity for Earth

An Affinity for Earth by Angelgirl113 at Fanfiction.net

This is one weird story. I liked how it broke away from the run-of-the-mill canon fodder to pursue other concepts, such as the protagonist having plant powers. I awarded a kudos for that, and the creepy thing mentioned below.
I liked how well the author depicted her evil mad scientists. In some fan fiction, evil scientists end up being described like an absurd caricature of Dr. Frankenstein. In this story, however, the experiments are a lot darker, reminding me more of things that were done by Nazi doctor Joseph Mengle. I therefore awarded a kudos for making the villains actually scary.
I think the reader would feel sorrier for the heroine if the author actually described the character actually suffering through one of the torturous experiments. The villain seemed less threatening when they only managed to get the needle stuck in before being interrupted by the victim's rescuer.
That being said, I've seen worse attempts at suspense. This one isn't that bad, so I didn't count off for it.
What I did find implausible is that the "I'm a human trapped in a Na'vi body" argument would actually hold water, and actually count in terms of "human rights" laws. The only reason why I didn't count off for that is that I could imagine the rescuer was actually bluffing, and nobody was actually backing him (meaning he'd soon get clobbered by the scientist's thugs and put the heroine into another dangerous situation). I mean, a lot of people didn't escape the camps, so if the author wants this story to have a real sense of scary suspense, the rescue attempt could end up unsuccessful, and she'd have to rely on her own cunning to sneak out.

I awarded a kudos for the fact that the character experiences muscle atrophy after a long space flight. Other authors will have such a person jumping around and swinging from tree branches like they had only been traveling for a day.
I awarded a kudos for ruining canon, since the earth worshiping Na'vi should have designated her their messiah after she made the trees bend to her will.
I liked how the author described the home tree in detail. I'm not sure why, but very few Avatar stories actually bother with that. I award five kudos for that, for it is rare.
After this, I awarded five kudos for not only describing the Na'vi in more depth than most fanfics do but also describing canon characters in a way that makes them seem alien as a stranger to the world would actually see them. Characters like Jake and Mo'at take on new life, to such extent that I wondered if they were truly someone else completely.
In Chapter 3, the author goes overboard in "patching" missing background details on her character, specifically the plant powers. The author's solution was to give a mega info dump worthy of that interrogation scene from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Logically it makes no sense, since the tribe wouldn't understand half of what the heroine was saying, and she gives details that shouldn't be in a verbal retelling of events, such as the specific amount of feet the military base was under the ground. I gave a cheese point for that.
The Na'vi also have incredible amounts of patience. The heroine spends about ten minutes telling her story, and nobody once interrupts her, despite not knowing what all the terms mean, despite them being mad at her, possibly not believing her. Another cheese point for that.
The author named one of her characters "Anxtia." That is most unfortunate, unless Jake intended for her to be described as "angsty." Point.
I was about to give a cheese point for flawlessly performing during the treetop race with Jake's son, but then I remembered that she also had trouble catching her breath, so it wasn't completely flawless. Therefore I left it alone.
The long info dump about the horse ranch was a little out of place, especially since the aliens don't know what horses are. It probably would have worked better as a flashback or a prologue chapter.
I applaud the amount of detail the author put into the archery scene. The author obviously did their research, and I bet they've shot a few arrows from time to time. It reminded me of how much I suck at archery, which means the author did their job. I awarded kudos for that.
I think the author could have done without the part of them picking up arrows, though. The scenario the author established is one where they are in no danger of being killed if they don't pick them up, so the less you say about it, the better. If they picked them up tomorrow, I couldn't care less.
But I awarded two kudos for actually using Na'vi language instead of making everything italic.
I had mixed feelings about the part where she rides a Pali. I felt that since she had such a powerful gift, something huge should have come to her when she reached out with her heart, like one of those huge rhino things, or a panther thing, or a giant sandworm. It seemed natural considering the huge amount of power she has. However, I guess the fact it didn't happen indicates that the heroine isn't all powerful, which will make the story more interesting.
In Chapter 6, the hunt is disrupted by the heroine yelping in pain. Some hunters mock her, and then she gets upset when they mock her friend. When a fight ensues, she stands up to them. It was a fair story arc, but I think there's probably some pathos to having them just walk away in shame and share their feelings.
Of course, this kind of happened later on, anyway, with the heroine losing the duel. At this point, I really wanted her to start punching her opponent. They lost the stick battle, but they didn't test their hand-to-hand combat skills. The parting speech really seemed more pathetic than a stinging remark. I award a kudos because the author got me feeling sorry for the character, and reminded me of those whiny types of people that try to make losing seem better with speeches.
The thing that I didn't buy was the hunting leader brow beating her for fighting. He can brow beat all he wants, but it doesn't change the fact they're in a jungle in the middle of nowhere. If you're off the hunting team, big deal. Go form your own hunting party and go hunting somewhere else in the jungle. This is what I classify as Mr. Tree Monkey's Ulcer. There shouldn't be this much stress about a hunting party.
In Chapter 7, the writer changes from writing out the Na'vi words to italics. I thought about awarding a cheese point for that, but that would just be mean. I know it's difficult to write in an alien language for ten paragraphs. I tried it.
The part about the Palukan was confusing. I recall earlier in the story the heroine was able to use her mind to tell a creature like that to go away, but now she's running from it? Did her powers wear off during her riding practice?
The author brings up this very point later, but only when they're halfway up a tree, fleeing the thing. Is this character just stupid or something? You'd think a mental plea bargain would be the first order of business. Point.
At this point, the story gets dangerously close to the Dances With Wolves territory. The fact that the heroine is lecturing to kids sort of excuses this to an extent, but it seems somehow insulting for a foreigner to tell them about their own culture.
The scene where Moat watches Jessica communicate with the seedling could have been done better. Being that it is being perceived by a third party instead of the heroine, the author could have injected some personal feelings, thoughts, and more importantly include supporting events or other details that Jessica cannot see, such as a tribal conflict going on next to Moat. Several things could have worked better. Instead we just read the same events being reheated and served again like they're different.
When the guy comes with his bow and arrow and threatens the heroine, I almost wanted her to actually get shot. After all, she managed to raise a replacement to the giant tree that got destroyed in the movie, so her work is essentially done. Her death right here would make her sort of a martyr, and give the story an epic feel. Just an observation.
While the author managed to depict the usage of bows and arrows accurately up until Chapter 6, Chapter 7 is different. Here we have a guy who is clearly pointing a bow and arrow at the heroine, and she acts like it's a gun. It's a friggin' arrow. It's not meant for close range, and it's a hell of a lot easier to dodge. If you distract a guy with a bow, there's a chance it might not kill you. Unlike a gun.
After this, there's a debate about violating the magic tree and putting the kids in danger. There's a lot of explaining, but it's relatively conflict free. I kept wanting someone to either punish her, stubbornly refuse to accept the facts, or declare her the messiah as recorded on...whatever it is they write on.
I liked Moat's concept of punishment. Instead of forcing her to do something uninspired like getting on an Ikran and hunting a wilderbeest, the description of the punishment sounds like she's going to force the girl to follow her around as she does laundry, which is awesome. Kudos for the weird punishment.
When she bumped into the bead lady after the verdict was announced, I thought for sure it was one of Moat's tricks. I figured Moat could change her appearance or something. It would have had a mystical feeling to it if it had transpired this way.
The "punishment" was a great idea, and it worked really well. I liked Moat's "tortures", which reminded me of the tricks that senseis do to their pupils in Kung Fu movies. I think the bowl refilling task probably served to build her strength and teach her balance and such, despite it being a complete error. Two kudos for that.
The birthing part was cute, but the dialog reminded me of Princess Leia's birthing scene (which isn't a good thing). I can only assume that aliens don't have agonizing pain and retain full use of their brain when they're giving birth. The dialog wasn't exactly realistic for a woman in labor, but I excused it because it worked well enough for the purpose of the story.
I guess the author will write more, but I only could review 9 chapters at the time of this posting. It seems like a fairly interesting concept, but I'm pretty sure it will end with the heroine becoming another Moat type character.

Weird Parts

"For years, I have been ensnared inside this husk they call an avatar, unable to return to my human body, like the other avatar drivers that work for the RDA. However, I'm not exactly an employee of the RDA, I'm Project Blue Stripes. A secret genetic experiment, that looks to transfer completely the human conscious into an avatar, without being able to return to the body. This is achieved by killing the human body while the driver is in their avatar. Moreover, as far as I know, I'm the only one who has completed this process successfully."

This sounds like something the Heaven's Gate suicide cult would have thought up. Creepy!

"It's the government's decision, my orders were to collect you and take you somewhere safe." He answered. "Most likely they'll send you to Pandora, because it would please everyone you're with others who are like you..."

I'm not sure how much it would please taxpayers to ship such a person all the way across the galaxy like that. I'm certain it would be cheaper to just let her loose on earth, to try to scrape together a living there. Also, she's just a kid who got stuck in an alien body, so she'd be more at home on earth anyway. As far as safety goes, the guy might be right, but I could think of a few safe places on earth she could hide in...
Still, it wouldn't be fair to grade off on this.

""We have reached our destination" announced the computer voice.
At last I was here, I unbuckled my straps and began to proceed with the shutdown protocols, so I could leave this tin can.
The shuttle doors beeped as they opened for the first time in five years. The toxic Pandoran air entered my lungs for the first time, making all of the cells in my body sing with life. Still leaning over a computer keyboard, I typed in the last password that would shutdown the entire shuttle, before I turned around to take in my first view of Pandora. A few large branches invaded the artificial environment of the shuttle, through the opened space of the doorway. Judging by the number of plants and the close placement of the tree trunks that I could view, I had landed in the middle to the jungle. I walked to the door and jumped, landing on the soft fertile soil that supported the large trees that now surrounded me.
I looked up hoping to see a pigment of sky so I could determine how much time I had left before nightfall. The upper canopy was too thick to allow nothing but rays of sunlight through to the ground. Looks like I'll be climbing then. "

I don't understand why the ship dropped her down in the middle of nowhere instead of at a landing pad or base or something.

"I could probably make it to that greyed area by nightfall. Now all I have to do is get back down to the ground. I needed to test out my affinity on Pandora's plants, that gave me an idea. I focused trying to interact with the tree, asking if it might assist me. "

"Affinity" is a strange way to describe "plant power". I somehow think it isn't the best word choice.

"I gulped as I turned around and looked back into the thickness of the jungle. My heart was pulsing as I watched the shadowed form of the predator emerge from the dimly lit jungle. I was a palulukan!"

Interesting concept from an interesting typo.

"I looked ahead again and saw another pa'li leading the pack about five metres in front of my own. This time being ridden by another male wearing a red neck collar. He must be the leader of the hunting party or something."

...After all, rednecks sure love huntin'!

"Very good. I look forward to wiping out those salvages that have cost the RDA millions in lost profits…" General Ozaki began."

Some salvage! You'd think they'd be interested in saving money!

""My father wanted me to seek out the person who was driving the sky people vessel that we saw from hometree and take them back for questioning." He answered, picking up his weapons and sliding he knife back into its scarab. "Next?""

Another victim of MSWORD's autocorrect!

"Well there's the chapter. To answer that question of how Jess got her powers, she was born with them."

Normally I don't grade off on author's notes, but since this note indicates that the author isn't going to even write a sentence (in the story proper) explaining a major plot element crucial to understanding their own story, I award a cheese point.

"I kept my mind on judging the gait of the pa'li's gallop, to be sure I could keep my balance without falling off, which would likely result in receiving pleasurable smirks from the other hunters if I did, and I didn't want to have anymore embarrassing movements tonight.I wanted to prove myself capable to these people, worthy of being a member of their clan in the end. Moreover, I knew that I couldn't achieve that by using my affinity. It needed to be done by showing bravery, skill, and using your own to hands to achieve what you'd set out to do."

I don't understand this about a lot of Avatar stories. Why do they always have to "prove themselves"? Why is that so important? You'd think at least one Na'vi would allow someone into the group because they make them laugh, or they allow themselves to be humbled to a point where they decide the newcomer is all right. I once saw a movie about a missionary trying to fit into a tribe of primitives in order to set up his mission, and he had to do a lot of humiliating things to gain their trust, including carrying a huge bag full of all his worldly possessions over a narrow bridge on a river (thus losing everything but what's important). Why can't one of these stories go that route?

"Further, the bioluminescent light of the jungle danced on the lake's ripples toward the edge of the lake. I was a beautiful sight to see."

"Who cares about the water. I'm pretty."

""It's part of being Na'vi" answered Anxtia as I tightened the cord on my newly acquired loincloth before I adjusted my ornamental necklace, making sure it covered my breasts thoroughly.
"I'd rather wear my old clothes," I said as I emerged from the alcove.
"Your old clothes smell nasty. How did you wear them?" she said as she turned around. "Wow, Jess you look Na'vi now, except for... yes we need to do your hair up. I'll be back soon," she told me before climbing rapidly up the spiral nearest to us."

I never understood this. It doesn't even make sense in the film, unless the women have necklaces strategically tied across their chests. Considering the amount of jumping, flying, falling and fighting the women do in the story, those necklaces should be flying everywhere, showing a little too much of what's underneath to be practical. I give a cheese point because the heroine in this story thinks that's just fine.

"I felt her grab a few strands of my hair and pull something through it.
"Ouch" I complained as she tried combing out a knot in my hair.
Anxtia laughed and commented "Its only going to get worse. Your hair is very knotty"
My head felt like she had pulled my hair out by the roots, right then I preferred to be shocked by a shock bracelet over this.
"I'm done" she announced to me. "You look much better now"
"Thanks" I said as I grabbed a few of the small braids that now covered my entire head examining them quickly."

I somehow doubt there will ever be a serious hair academy for Na'vi. Once you've mastered braids, that's it.

""Many males will be interested in you Jesscooper." She declared.
Heat rose to my cheeks again before I instantly replied, "No, they wouldn't be"
"Nonsense, I think you spend too many years in the dark, sister" she assured me. "Come, I'll prove it to you." and she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the spiral.
"Where are we going?" I inquired as we quickly ran down the spiral.
"To show the clan your new look. Besides you're hungry aren't you?" she responded
At the mention of food my stomach growled, I'd hadn't eaten properly in the last six years.
"I guess so," I said.
"Well let's go eat and see the male's reactions towards you," she said pulling me to the entrance of Hometree."

"Just once I'd like to see a sexy Na'vi female with a bouffant! Is that so much to ask!"

"We were surrounded by racks of weapons, mainly bows, and quivers full of arrows, as well as a few knifes encased in their leather scarabs hanging of the railing."

I guess it would be pretty alien to carry around your knives inside the bodies of Egyptian dung beetles.

""Tsteu" Tutsu'tey said sternly to the ikran. He quieted instantly. "Don't look at a bonded ikran in the eye Jessica, unless you ride it.""

Why not? I found no explanation in the story.

"By instinct the apprentices released their arrows. Only one met its target, causing the yerik to collapse instantly as the poison from the arrow tip entered its body from the neck. While the rest of the herd bolted passed the other apprentices."

Amateurs! Why would you poison something you're going to eat for supper? No cheese points because I chalked it up to stupidity...or aliens who like eating poison.

"Excitement buzzed in the atmosphere around Hometree. There was song and the steady beat of the drum on the air. Some of the Omaticaya danced around the fire, while the rest sat in small groups sipping on a mild intoxicating drink. They talked animatedly about what had transpired during the day, potential unions amongst the younger members of the clan, jokes about the latest actions of Tutsu'tey's apprentice were amongst the hottest topics of the evening. Children raced around playing with toy ikrans or the Pandoran equivalent of tag."

With paltry conversation like that, I think they'd be happy discussing how the paint was drying on the old barn. I award a cheese point for the generic activity.

"As the boys began to cup the clear glowing water in their hands and started to drink it. I placed lowered myself onto my knees and placed a sleeping Sreu- who was still gripping her brother's ball tightly- gently amongst the glowing plants."

The way this is written seems to describe runoff from a nuclear power plant. Since the characters retained their hair and teeth afterwards, I award a cheese point.

"I went down on to my knees, cupped my hands together, dipped my hands into the cool water, brought them to my lips, and drank deeply from the water I collected from the creek."

This prose is pointlessly bloated.

"As he crossed the creek, he drew his bow back further and glared at me to go."

What the hell does this mean? Point.

"She led out and we returned to the spiral. We proceeded down to the ground floor. It was deserted except for one man pacing outside an alcove that was covered by and animal hide. Mo'at walked in his direction, and I followed directly behind her. As we approached the man turned and stared in our direction. A mixture of emotions played across his face, first relief at the sight of Mo'at, then confusion and that was replaced by anger, probably at my mere presence.
"What is this Tsahík, why do you bring this stranger with you to help ma mate." He demanded in Na'vi as we got close to the alcove.
"She is performing duties to me as punishment for connecting to the Tree of Voices. I have told you this Ceranis, and it started the moment the assembly finished." Mo'at said softly.
"I will not allow that creature near ma mate." Ceranis said drawing his knife from its sheath.
There was a loud groan of pain from the alcove. It went through me, calling me into action. If the woman didn't get help from Mo'at, she would die and so would the newborn. I place the basin on the ground and approached the man.
"Move aside skxawng and allow us to do what is needed to do to help your mate. She'll die, do you want that on your conscious? That she died because you were blinded in your prejudice towards me." I said. "I swear that I will not harm your family on Eywa's light.""

The author has previously established that Moat is one of the most important, most respected figures in the entire clan. Yet somehow the author has left her out of the equation, like she isn't present. You'd think one word from her would have shut the guy up. Point.

"As I turned around, I was greeted by the sight of a young woman on her back breathing deeply as a contraction raced through her body."

This line is awesomely bad. How does a contraction while you're giving birth "race" anywhere? It's going to come back in a few seconds! It's almost as bad as that one story I read where the author wrote "a huge mushy poop rocked my bowels." Five cheese points.

"After holding up the jars in dim light to determine what colour they were, I found one that was green. I placed it to the side while I put the others back in the bag. I put back to where it was before and took the jar to Mo'at.
The Tsahík took it from me and removed the covering from the opening.
"This tonic will lessen the pain later on Hesiba. Will you drink it?" Mo'at said.
Hesiba nodded.
Mo'at positioned the jar on Hesiba's lips and tipped it upward, the contents of the jar slipped down her throat."

Moat is too nice. It's medicine. With medicine, you HAVE to take it, or be in a world of hurt. She should have said `Here. Drink this.' Period. I award a cheese point for having this allegedly wise tribal healer seeming to have no experience with stubborn medicine hating patients.

""Ceranis is causing Hesiba extra anxiety she doesn't need. Jessicacooper there is a potion in a red vial that will calm him down, tell him to drink it."
"Srane tsahík. But if he won't drink it?" I asked.
"Use your imagination," she answered with a bit more amusement than seriousness.
"Srane" I answered and moved over to the drawbag.
I found the vial after a few seconds and quietly slipped out of the alcove. I hadn't really being paying him any attention when I'd been carting water back from the lake, but now that I was paying attention his emotional state was now beyond ridiculous, it has gone from worry to up scale hysteria. And with mated pairs being able to feel each others emotions through the bond they shared, it must be driving Hesiba crazy.
I placed the vial by the entrance and carefully approached him, blocking a part of his pacing trail from him to get his attention. Plan A was to ask him to drink it, Plan B was to argue with him to make him drink it and Plan C, challenge him to a fist fight.
He snarled at me when he came to that part of the trail and realising that I was in his way.
"Move dreamwalker" he ordered.
I stood my ground, and glared at him, saying "Kehe, not til you drink the potion for Mo'at over there."
"Drink something given to me by the outsider, kehe who knows what you put in it." He hissed at me."

If I were in that situation, the first thing out of my mouth would have been "Moat told me..." The heroine didn't do this (she only said it was moat's potion), and it led to an unnecessary fight. It's amazing what a little name dropping can do. Guess I can't count off on this, though.

Cheesey Story Checklist

Each item on this list earns a story 1 Cheese Point. Earning the maximum amount of Cheese Points will earn you the Golden Wedge! (Note: Additional points can be added only when the scene changes. Also, WTF points do not count for a trophy, but may be considered criminal evidence in some states)

Award one point for parental warning plot spoiler [Click For Explanation]:
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Award one point for Copyright Spoiler [Click For Explanation]:
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*Award one point for Lazy Narrator Intro. [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Yagermeister Influenced Intro. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Title Cheese. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Joe Is In A Room. (Bonus for Afterthought) [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for No Return:[Click For Explanation]
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*One point for POV Potpourri: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Quick Release: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Flawless: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Flawless Beyond Logic: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Invincible Ego: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Villains: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mister Invincible - Category: Law: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Canon: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Overkill: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Straw Soldiers: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Red Shirt Deaths: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Herocentric Universe: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Can't Take a Joke: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: "Love Story" Tagline: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Planning For Yawns: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Magic on Demand: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Slightly Wounded Hero: [Click For Explanation]
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*Award one point for Mister Invincible - Category: Know It All: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for "This Looks Neat". [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Fandom Style Manual. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for See Fandom Glossary. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Redundantly Redundant. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for CTRL+V. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Pretty Nice. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mega Recap. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Doctor Standards. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Info Dumptruck. [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for "What do you mean, `Fire is hot'"? [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Fill Dirt Dumping [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Rererecap [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for MSDS Unabridged [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Conversational Sow's Ear: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Always The Right Shoulder: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mary Sue: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Wish Fulfillment: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Everybody Loves Me: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mary Sue: Category: I'm So Sorry: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Mary Sue: Category: Canon: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Gee, Thanks Narrator: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for The J.K. Rowling: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for However, He Also Had A Gun: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Harlequin Romance: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Doctor Strangelove Dialog: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Patching: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Angry Lesbian Breasts: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Character Non-Descriptions: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Refer To Previous Description: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Refer To Movie: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for Concept Salad: [Click For Explanation]
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*One point for It's Lucky That: [Click For Explanation]
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*Excessive Homage: [Click For Explanation]
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*Temporal Salad: [Click For Explanation]
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*One Point for That's Why I Prefer Amiga: [Click For Explanation]
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*King Trite-On: [Click For Explanation]
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*The Space Bus: [Click For Explanation]
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*Surfer Novelist: [Click For Explanation]
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*Don't Think of An Elephant: [Click For Explanation]
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*Step 1: He Got In The Car: [Click For Explanation]
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*Hmm, I wonder what Rosebud Is: [Click For Explanation]
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*He Is Because I Said He Is [Click For Explanation]
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*"Translation: Where's The Beef?" [Click For Explanation]
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*Unsolicited Detailing [Click For Explanation]
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*Scene Shifting Without Clutch [Click For Explanation]
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*You Wore It Out: [Click For Explanation]
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*Adam West Narrative: [Click For Explanation]
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*The Rabbit's Waistcoat: [Click For Explanation]
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*Character Disassociation: [Click For Explanation]
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*MEANWHILE... [Click For Explanation]
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*Michael Gondry prose: [Click For Explanation]
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*Textbook Hero: [Click For Explanation]
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*Cookie Monster Style Manual: [Click For Explanation]
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*Oh, I Forgot He's Naked: [Click For Explanation]
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*Fakedreaming: [Click For Explanation]
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*"In English, "Tree" Means Tree": [Click For Explanation]
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*CUT TO: CHAPTER 2, PARAGRAPH 1 [Click For Explanation]
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*Target Audience Yo-Yo [Click For Explanation]
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*Shirley, You Can't Be Serious: [Click For Explanation]
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*Name Overlap Confusion: [Click For Explanation]
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*Moviephone Prose: [Click For Explanation]
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*Shaggy Dog Ending: [Click For Explanation]
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*A Word From Our Sponsors: [Click For Explanation]
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*I'm Bored: [Click For Explanation]
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*Retief Dialog: [Click For Explanation]
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*Pranks For Those With No Friends: [Click For Explanation]
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*It All Depends on Jarjar: [Click For Explanation]
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*Archie Bunker Dad: [Click For Explanation]
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*Pancake Villain: [Click For Explanation]
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*Present Progressive Abuse: [Click For Explanation]
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*Peeping Tom Universe: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Mr. Tree Monkey's Ulcer: [Click For Explanation]
1
*My Little Pony's Dark Secret: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Grandpa Skywalker's Story Time: [Click For Explanation]
0
*Inappropriate Punctuation and/or Shortcut Symbols: [Click For Explanation]
2
*One point if the author describes actions with vague adverbs such as "sensually" or "brutally":
0
*Award one point for overly long uninterrupted Q&A session/info dump:
0
*Award one point if characters get into a long, drawn out argument/debate over a plot hole:
0
*One point for POV Spoiler where the disorganized POV of the story lead to the author giving away the plot:
0
Award one point for unprofessional use of numbers such as "he looked up and saw 2 men enter the room."
0
*One point for "Time (seemed to) stand still as..."
0
*One point for "As if on cue..."
0
*One point for unnecessary recap of events the reader has read.
0
*One point for over-explaining the self explanatory, or the obvious:
1
*One point for rewording an old adage to fit a new type of character/species/whatever, such as "A bird in claw is worth two in the bush."
0
*One point for trite expressions made literal, such as finding a drum, and a door nearby that is literally tighter.
0
*One point if it contains movie cliches:
0
*One point for pseudoscience Squared (The Twilight Effect):
0
*One point for excessive profanity that dulls the impact of profanity in the story:
0
*One point if the author kills a joke, pun or metaphor, or fails to understand the concept of a metaphor:
0
*One point for any bad puns:
0
*One point if there's an anticlimax:
0
*One point for a Mary Shelly ("I made my creation large so it would be easier to work on.")
0
*One point for Sex=1, Science=0:
0
*One point if alien biology is ninety to one hundred percent identical to earth biology:
0
*One point if popular song lyrics are quoted extensively:
0
*One point for character interactions and dialog in a description-less vacuum:
0
*Award one point for too many "saids".
2
*Award one point for any situation resembling the Kobiashi Muru:
0
*Award one point for American English names being used on all spaceships:
0
*Award one point for inertial dampers that don't work when the ship is attacked or hit by asteroids:
0
*Reader excluded from inside jokes:
0
*One point for the Christopher Walken (unconnected dialog):
0
*Extremely pointless mundane details:
0
*Award one point for He-Man nomenclature ("Get into the SkySled, Ram Man!):
0
*Turn based combat and/or any video game-like battle sequences:
0
*Pointless excursion into segment involving irrelevant side character or characters:
0
*A word is broken into two words when it isn't supposed to be:
0
*One point for recipe analogies. Example: "Add one part scumbag, one part moron, one part scientist, and you get Jeff."
0
*Award one point for inappropriate transition into action. Example: "He was a slim, muscular fellow, with raspberry hair and glistening white teeth, shoveling manure out of a barn with a pitchfork."
0
*First person narrative begins with something like, "You know, doctors say it's healthy for you to keep a diary..."
0
*Technobabble:
0
*Award one point for generic scenery descriptions:
0
*Award one point for narrator referencing unknown character not featured in story:
0
*Award one point for a character verbally finishing the narrator's thought, breaking the suspension of disbelief:
0
*Award one point for a Harry Potter millionaire (i.e. parents die and boy gets unlimited wealth, etc.)
0
*Award one point for characters doing exactly what is described in their elaborate plans, with no kinks in its execution:
0
*Award one point for adding a "you've got mail" to the dialog:
0
*"Dark as midnight", or anything "raven" in their description that isn't a raven:
0
*Award one point for vaguely defined setting, where you're not really sure what country or planet it is:
0
*Award one point for details about a character's employment (or lack thereof) as an afterthought:
0
*Use of the non-word "furred", or human equivalent such as "socked foot":
0
*Accidental use of popular quotes, such as "more than meets the eye" or "knowing is half the battle":
0
*"May you live in interesting times":
0
*"These aren't the droids you are looking for":
0
*"Nobody puts baby in the corner":
0
*"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
0
*The guy who kills the thing or person trying to kill you is always a person you can trust:
0
*Award one point for a slapped on ending that really doesn't end the story.
0
*Award one point if the characters can hear capitalization in spoken words:
0
*Award one point if a figure of speech clashes with another identical sounding part of the sentence in a way that distracts from the reading, such as, "My relatives are strange, relatively speaking" and it's not done for humorous reasons:
0
*Award one point for referencing a popular internet meme (such as "I can has cheezburger") in the prose narrative:
0
*Award one point for inappropriate capitalization:
0
*Hero looks himself in the mirror or something else and reader gets description dump:
1
*Puberty gives you magic powers:
0
*Conflict resolution via info dump (narrator says it's solved and it is):
0
*Size 14 description in size 5 shoe:
0
*Canon character recounts his/her adventures that we already saw in a movie:
0
*Award one point for Yagermeister Influenced Conclusion:
0
*The Military Has Gone Soft:
0
*"Note To Self: Remove author's notes from story":
0
*Simulations prepare you for everything:
0
*Inappropriately/untimely sexual moment:
0
*Instant Pregnancy (And they just had sex an hour ago):
0
*Plot sketching instead of actual story:
0
*Freudian slip count:
0
*Grammatical error count (a point for each one):
0
*Typo Count (a point for each glaringly obvious typo):
12
*Racial/cultural stereotypes:
0
*Saccharine tablet (gooey sweet paragraph) count:
0
Subtotal: 0


Avatar related cheese (1/2 a point for each with subtotal):
*"Million dollar Avatar clones must look exactly like the pilot, and fit the pilot only, so that if he dies nobody else can use it" (Also counts as 1/2 a Mary Shelly point):
0
*Nobody needs Avatar training (they can always pass the tests with flying colors and impress everyone):
0
*Dances with Wolves/White Man's Burden (White man shows the alien/Indian how things are done, like they're stupid or something). Award a bonus point if the Na'vi are described as being more than a little retarded, at the point of basically wetting themselves if the humans don't tell them how to use the bathroom:
0
*Arrow=Gun (award a bonus point if the character can fire arrows like a machine gun using only a regular bow):
1/2
*ICU:
1/2
*Character new to the planet picks up the ways of the Na'vi in such a way that astonishes them and/or is so flawless that it stretches credibility:
0
*Billion dollar Avatar being used for pointless purpose:
0
*"That rich, cool flavor you get with each light" (pro smoking):
0
*The hero of the story regurgitates homogenized entertainment media (TV shows, Disney films, etc.) during Na'vi story time. Award a bonus point if the audience listens with rapt attention without any mention of the "storyteller" maybe having any sort of difficulty explaining things like cars, knights, dragons, castles, etc. Alternately, award a bonus point if they sing an English song or tell an English story and fail to translate it into the alien language:
0
*Na'vi culture consists of nothing but Tsahaylu, stories and hunting:
0
*Good guys always worship Eywa:
0
*No good guy ever fails initiation and/or gets barred from joining the tribe:
0
*Everybody gets an Ikran:
0
*Someone rides a Direhorse and falls in the mud:
0
*Everybody gets a woman from the tribe (award a bonus point if the men stil fight each other for one woman, especially if the author describes the tribe as having more women than men due to war):
0
*Award a half point if any character argues that a non-canon character should be admitted into the tribe on the basis that they already let all the canon characters into the tribe already. In other words, "Since the barn door has been left open and some horses have already escaped, let's let a few more out."
0
*Heavy handed environmentalist messages where the hero practically weeps over every dead ant and broken twig (bonus point if this is literally the case):
0
*"Primitive tribal medicine is just as good as the treatment you can get in a modern hospital."
0
*"Getting rid of earthlings/humans will solve all our problems."
0
*The hero gives Jake Sully knowing winks about his sex life (or an equivalent reaction):
0
*Number of times the word "bioluminescent" is used in the story:
5
*Nobody thinks abandoning their human body forever is a bad idea:
0
*"There's always another hometree":
0
*"By Etiwah!" (Human narrator/hero swearing by Etiwah):
0
*Drama ensues as hero/heroine tries to convince angry Na'vi that only RTF guys are bad:
0
*"I'm not evil like those other non-pagan humans are:"
0
*Shaman stabs hero with a bone and drinks their blood:
1/2
Avatar Subtotal: 0
Unclassified Cheese Bonus (Described in review or "Weird Parts:" section): 16
Subtotal: 0
Kudos
*"Caught In A Plot Web" [Click For Explanation]
0
*Award one kudos if the character is introduced before their name is used in the story.
0
*Kudos for breaking away from canon (fanfiction only):
-4
*Author subtly sets up plot elements that fit together in an unexpected climax:
0
*Author gets away with bad writing mechanics due to captivating story:
0
*Misc Kudos: -24
Total Kudos Deduction: 0
OVERALL CHEESE SCORE: 0
WTF: 0
Sleaze-O-Meter (One for every scene and/or dialog goes beyond the pale in trashiness): 0
Unintentional Irony: